Jokes & other funny texts

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

Q: Why is a Mexican midget called "Paragraph"?
A: Because he's too short to be called "Essay".

It took me a while, bu I finally got it

Q: What is soy milk?
A: Mexican milk, introducing himself...

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

After reading this text you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second "the".

Edited by don_dannielo, 08 December 2013 - 21:39.

Pentru asta trebuie cautat "murder" intr-un dictionar englez

Gah! Lasati-o balta, am cautat intr-unul care credeam ca e bun si nu exista. Murder of crows = stol de ciori.

Edited by Dihorul Razboinic, 04 January 2014 - 00:21.

Dihorul Razboinic, on 04 ianuarie 2014 - 00:18, said:

Si eu care credeam ca e o aluzie rasista...

Discutie intre doi americani:
- Why to eat a cheeseburger when you have mămăligă?
- Why to drink a coca-cola when you have compot?

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the fake_fake_fake rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

in loc de fake_fake_fake e "o r i g i n a l s" , e vreun script pe undeva care modifica

Edited by mynameismada, 06 January 2014 - 21:43.

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fake_fake_fake

Chiar e un script care are probleme cu ori g inals

Edited by Dihorul Razboinic, 11 January 2014 - 00:45.

(I am working a morning shift at a cafe. We are serving breakfast. A little boy and his mother enter the cafe.)
Me: “So, what will it be?”
Child: “I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN.”
(There is a sudden silence and everyone turns to look. The mother looks very embarrassed.)
Mother: “Eggs… he would like some eggs…”

My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame even on the government.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

You're so open-minded that your brains fell out.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Why is the head of a man's penis wider than the shaft?

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went out fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a Cottonmouth snake with a frog in it's mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing that the snake could not bite me with frog in it's mouth I grabbed him behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing.
A little later a felt a nudge on my foot.
It was the darn snake with two more frogs

Ladies, you know how you have that guy friend? That guy friend that you like a lot? A whole lot?
But not "that way"?
You have that friend, yeah?
It's wrong, all right? Because if the guy hangs out with you, you know he likes you.
I mean, why else would he put up with your talking?
Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he's a great guy and you still won't date him, do you know what's that like for the
guy?
It's like going on a job interview, right?
And having the guy say this to you--
Well, Mr. Perkins, wow, this is a great resume. You have the experience we've been looking for--
We love your attitude.
You're perfect for this job.
And we're not going to hire you.
No, no, probably we'll hire someone who's far less qualified and has a drinking problem.
But this is a great resume.
In fact, this is the resume we're going to use to judge all the other candidates.
Now, we're not going to hire you ever. But is it okay if we call you every now and then and complain about the guy we
hired?

Dwayne Perkins - Being Friends with Women
http://www.cc.com/vi...ends-with-women

Edited by sorin61, 08 August 2014 - 08:35.