Jokes & other funny texts

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite! looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

I wish my wife was better in bed.

<sighs>

<disables autocorrect>

I wish my WiFi was better in bed.

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet.
The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle.
He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor: "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?". He winked at me and said: "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

3.14% of sailors are ╥rates.

Edited by mynameismada, 24 February 2017 - 08:52.

Me: Hi
Tech Support: Tech support, How may I help you?
Me: I've got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don't want one.
Tech Support: Excuse me?
Me: It's giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.
Tech Support: Read the message to me please.
Me: Error: Python required to run the script.

A joke is like a frog. When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

It seems your frog died a long time ago.

Me: I'm against genetic engineering
Scientist: We can develop kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need???!!

A gnome is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.
The first time this happens, he decides not to say anything because it's been a good day for him.
However, once again the blonde steps on him, so he turns to her and says, "Hey you , little Miss brunette, watch where you're going."
The blonde looks down and says, "I am not a brunette, I am a blonde!"
To which the gnome replies, "Not from where I'm standing, you're not!"

When asked if I preferred legs or breasts, I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for nice hairy pussies. He then informed me that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.

I have a friend who insists that he recently met a girl who is so naïve that when he asked her if she knew the difference between a screw and a Caesar salad she said she had no idea. "Did you explain it to her?" we asked. "Hell no," said our friend. "But I have lunch with her every day."

Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman, “What would you say to a little ‘oral’ activity?” “That all depends,” she quickly responded. “Your face, or mine?”

Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are. The first one comes out,, "Oh, three fingers." The second adds, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!" The third one just laughed as she slid down over the bar stool.

A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up  pregnant.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn  hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own fingers anymore!

A beautiful girl appeared at the gates of paradise and asked to be admitted. Saint Peter asked her the routine question, "Are you a virgin?"
"Of course," she replied.
To be sure, Saint Peter instructed an angel doctor to examine her.
When he was finished, the doctor reported, "I think we can let her in, but I must report that there were seven slight dents in her maidenhead."
Saint Peter decided that he couldn't deny her admittance for such a trifle, so he sent her along to the registration clerk.
"Your name?" asked the clerk.
"Snow White," she answered.

Young Tim has just finished high school, and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch [New Zeeland].
Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over.  Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.
Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job.
Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim, I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you. You're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"
Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing, if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse, I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."
The manager goes, "Wow, that's something. Lets test you out!"
So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!"
The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something. But lets test you out again!"
He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".
The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good. But, one more time. I need to be sure. "
Boss thinks now, let’s catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone.
After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk."
The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.
The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town.
Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.
The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining.
She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for.
Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game.
She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red pantiestonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red pantiestonight, but how do you know?'Luigi answers; 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks; ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

This girl goes to a doctor and admits, "Doctor, it's very embarrassing, but something brown is dripping off my private parts."
The doctor examines her and is sure that there is something brown coming out.
The doctor is confused, and inquires, "How frequently are you having sex? Once a day?"
Girl: "Naa."
Doc: "Once a week?"
Girl: "Nope."
Doc: "Once a month?"
Girl: "Not that even!"
Doc: "One a year?"
Girl: "Something like that...."
Doc: "Oh I get it, it's nothing. The brown thing is just rust!"

sorin61, on 15 martie 2017 - 21:59, said:

Luigi gasps, "Thanks God! I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes!"

Wife buys 10 pairs of underwear of the same color for her husband.

Husband: Why the same color sweetheart? People will think I never change my underwear.
Wife: Which people?

Husband silent.

​In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.

"Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three  inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water.

The moral of the story is...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably going to get wet.

How do you know that you're staying in a terrible hotel?
You call the front desk and say, "I've got a leak in the sink" and the clerk says, "go ahead."