Jokes & other funny texts

Roger and Elaine
What we have here is a failure to communicate.

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Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those bastards

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

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HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS


ELEMENT :
Woman
SYMBOL :
Wo
DISCOVERER :
Adam
ATOMIC MASS :
Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg
OCCURRENCES :
Copious quantities in urban areas


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied to correct places.
CHEMlCAL PROPERTIES :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly by saturation in
alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into contact
with each other.

--- si reversul medaliei (da, pe prima o stiam, da pe asta nu :D )

Chemical Analysis of Man

Element:Man

Symbol:Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)

Discover:Eve

Atomic Mass:Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg

Occurrences:
Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)

Physical properties:
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of the Wo common ore.

Chemical properties:
All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analysist) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage:
Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.

Uses:
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
Tests:
Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.


--------------

---Engineer's recipe for chocolate-chip cookies:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr,
add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In
a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and
seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add
ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient
nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be
taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank
& Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55),
or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place
the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product
to come to thermal equilibrium.

WORLD NEWS:

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God, there's an axe in my head." ?]

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

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A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian's
office. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said;
"I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
or something?"

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room
returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador
dog.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at
the Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet
patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a
few moments later with a cat!

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The
cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like I
said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's
owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"What's this!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is
dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would
only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

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What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape.
(cine nu a auzit de grupuri abeliene (metematica, algebra) ... skip :rolleyes: )

---------

Still geekier and even funny if you know a little higher mathematics:
Q: What's yellow, normed, and complete? A: A Bananach space.
(idem: matematica, analiza)

----------

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

-----------

For an optimist, the glass is half full, for a pessimist the glass is half empty, for an engineer, the glass is twice to big ...

----------

Joke to be read with a Swedish accent:

Chap walks into a pharmacy in Sweeden, and says, " I want to buy some deodorant please.". The pharmacist says, "Certainly sir, balls or aerosol?", and the chap says, "No, its for my armpits.".

----------

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."

The doctor cut her off and reassured her, "I know, I know,
I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late
in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know
if I can still mow the lawn."
:drac:

-----

How to succeed with women, virtually Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my
warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out
nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies
pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the
night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet.
I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't
find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another
second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look
on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: { [logged off]

Confessions from a travel agent working with the US Congress:


I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. She interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ....(click).

A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map,and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a lawmakers wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When
I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why our government is in the shape that it is...
(their government :P)
------

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at
nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out
to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are
you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
standing in their field."

---------

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card for adults, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 39."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why is that?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

---------

Smart Dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

--------

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20
4F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272
696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062
696E64207468656D

'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

---------

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

----------

Blonde Blitz....
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

---------

DIVER
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

-----

CAR RIDE
A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I thought I would never......" he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives - he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was traveling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened. Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again
just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.
"Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there's something weird about it" "Yeah, I know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest".

---------

Blonde Joke
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft
Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

-----------

ARCHER
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." "That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you
came to be such an outstanding shot." "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

----

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

-----

Assigning a Gender to Everyday Objects
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.

-----------

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The
bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one
fast gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to
the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's
on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender
asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we
were through. 'Pack your bags and get out!' I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!!'"

--------

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.

He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. 'Could I please sit in that seat?' he asked. The lady was insulted. 'You bloody Americans are so rude', she said, 'can't you see my dog is sitting there'?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. 'Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down', he said. The lady replied, 'You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant'.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, 'Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?' The lady replied, 'You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.'

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. 'Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

A jew died and got to heaven. Because he was a very pious man the lord himself greets him.
L: "You look sad - what's wrong? Not enough time to order your things?"
J: "No, that's all right, but my son..."
L: "What's with your son?"
J: "He became a christian!"
L: "Awww, that's bad. Happened to me too..."
J: "And what did you do about it?"
L: "New testament."

------------

A man walks into a bar and orders a double shot.
He downs the shot, peeks into the breast-pocket of his jacket and promptly orders another.
This goes on for several shots with the man peeking into his pocket after every shot.
Finally, the bartender asks the man why he looks into his packet after every shot.
The man replies, "I keep a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I go home."

-----

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking
out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and
inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something
wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs
turn white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
said "You must have really pissed Grandma off then."

--------

Inner Strength


If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,


THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG........

------

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her he, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "its a scarf!"

------


Announcement on the office PA system: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows." From the back of the room: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"

--------

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning
test. The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc. The doctor says to the lady, "It's your turn now. What is three
times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..." Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's
three times three?" "Nine," says she. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how
did you get that?" "Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

--------

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but
noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"

-----

Q: What do you get when you divide pumpkin's circuference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin PI

----

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

-------

Steaks Are Too High

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."

--------

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

-------

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.!

--------

Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

-----

She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No, jump in!" said the truck driver.

------

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?"

----------

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?


Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

----------

A hydrogen atom and a helium atom go into a bar. The hydrogen atom is clearly upset and moans, "I've lost my electron, my only electron." The concerned helium atom says, "Just calm down now ... are you sure you've lost it?"

The hydrogen atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

(Later, a neutron walks in to the same bar. He sits down and says to the bar tender, "Hey, how much for a beer?" The bar tender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge!")

------

varianta pe care o stiam eu la cea de mai sus:

Two atoms meet. The first atom says to the second atom
FA: "I think I lost an electron!"
Second Atom: "Are you sure?"
FA: "Yes, I'm positive!"

-----

A proton walks into a bar and says "Give me a triple 151-proof rum." Bartender says "Are you sure?" Proton says "I'm positive."

An electron walks into a bar and says "Give me your nightly special, but I probably won't like it." Bartender says "What's your problem?" Electron replies "I can't help it if I'm negative."

A neutron walks into a bar. Bartender asks "So who do you like in the big game this weekend?" Neutron replies "I really don't care, I'm neutral."

---------

Why did the man with the one hand cross the road?

To get to the secondhand shop.

-------

SIX REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH A CHILD


Reason #1:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


Reason #2:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."


Reason #3:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


Reason #4:

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture: "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer--she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael--he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher--she's dead."


Reason #5:

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."


Reason #6:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is
watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God's watching the apples.

------

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

--------

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket
and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem
how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird
Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you
won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

-----------

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

----------

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving

------------

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing
wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night
and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says,
"Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his
newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married." She says,
"Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to
me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still
remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He's not
much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds,
"Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw
your brains out". She giggles and says, "Yes dear,
that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's
fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What
do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission
accomplished."

-------

My Retirement Program


If you had bought $1000 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5 left.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.


Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401 Keg program.

:cheers:

--------

A salesman arrived in town, but every hotel room was taken. He pleaded for a room when the hotel clerk told him:

"I do have a double room with one occupant, but the man snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms complain about it. However, he might want to split the cost,."

The tired salesman said, "I'll take it."

The next morning the salesman came and the clerk asked him "How'd you sleep? Any problem with the other guy snoring?"

"None at all" said the salesman.

The clerk was impressed, "How did you do that?"

"He was already sleeping and snoring away when I came in the room. So I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Sleep tight, cutie.' He sat up all night watching me!"

---------

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barkeep says "I'll serve you,but don't start anything".

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,"Sorry we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other,"Does this taste funny to you"?

A guy walks into his psychiatric session wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.The shrink says,"I can clearly see yournuts"

what do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the Vet and says,"My dog is cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him"?
"Well" says the Vet "lets have a look at him". So he picks the dog up,examines his eyes, then checks his teeth and
finally says,"i'm going to have to put him down".
"What? Because he's cross-eyed"? asks the owner.
"No" says the Doc "because he's really heavy".

Project Genesis
(Internal Corporate Correspondence)


To: General Director Jehovah
From: Gabriel, Marketing Director

The market research conducted by our department for the Genesis project, shows that systems of the following configuration will generate the highest level of consumer enthusiasm:
Planet(s): 1
Radius: 3,000 km
Gravitational pull: 0.5g
Land/Water ratio: 1:1
Temperature: +24 C
Atmosphere: Oxygen
Oceans/Seas: Fresh Water
Rivers: Milk, Honey
Fauna: Herbivores
Peripherals: 2 luminary bodies, (for day, night).
Orbital Speed: 0.0007 RPM (1 revolution / 24h cycle)

Resolution:
Forwarding to the strategy planning department for preparation.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Michael, Strategy Planning Manager

In order to minimize the overall project costs, I propose we power both luminary bodies using one energy source, and substitute Nitrogen for Oxygen.

Comments:
Leave at least 50% of the oxygen - otherwise we run the risk of user suffocation.
-- Raphael

25% Should suffice.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

In the course of our work on project Genesis, we have run into some difficulties (specifically in the "Let there be Light" phase of the project):

We do not currently have access to a source of uninterrupted light that can be channeled into two separate luminary bodies. I propose we utilize a standard "Red Dwarf" type light source for daytime illumination, and use a mirror for nighttime light.

Comments:
Upgrade to "Yellow Dwarf". The cost differential is minimal, but aesthetically, the look is far more impressive.
-- Gabriel (Marketing dept.)

But that's a multi-client light source! Why would the user need it for a single-planet system?
-- Lucifer

The marketing department will tell to the user what he needs or doesn't need.
-- Gabriel

Lucifer, please restrict your comments to questions within the field of your competence. I'm approving the "Yellow Dwarf".
-- Jehovah

By the way, with the level of light output generated by a Yellow Dwarf, we can use a regular planetoid instead of a mirror.
-- Michael

Agreed.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

The recent deviations from the specification introduced the following problems into the system:

The mass of the uninterruped light source is significantly greater than the mass of the planet. Due to this, the light source cannot be in orbit around the planet. Instead, it is the planet that is orbiting the light source.

Furthermore, due to the energy output of the light source, we are observing surface temperature that consistently exceeds the spec. by a factor of 2. However if we move the planet further away from the light source, the overall dimentions of the system will grow significantly.

Comments:
A larger system will probably benefit us from the marketing standpoint, but the fact that the planet is rotating around a peripheral device may lead to self esteem issues on the part of the user. Could we perhaps change the Gravitational Constant to compensate?
-- Gabriel

Changing the Gravitational Constant will result in compatibility problems down the line
-- Michael

What difference is it to the user what orbits what? Let Marketing come up with some kind of theory of Relativity.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

After the increase in the orbital radius, all attempts to accelerate the planet to specified velocity have consistently lead to a system crash. (The planet escapes from orbit into outer space.)

By the way, the nighttime luminary exhibits the same behavior.

Comments:
The internal behavior of the system is irrelevant. We must deliver on the user experience. Why not make the planet revolve around its own axis? The user will then think that both the Sun and the Moon are orbiting it with the speeds originally specified.
-- Gabriel

Won't the user catch on?
-- Jehovah

Even if he does, it won't be til' the project is long delivered.
-- Gabriel

Agreed.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Raphael, QA & Support Lead

Initial testing has revealed the following defects:

We are observing consistent overheating.
The axis of revolution has shown a 33 deg. declination from the vertical, resulting in cyclic temperature anomalies.
The rivers' throughput falls far short of expectations.
Herbivore fauna (as specified) is missing.
The orbit is unstable. Planet tends to fall into the Sun.

Resolution:
Forwarding to the tech. department for review.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department


>We are observing consistent overheating.
What else did you expect with that Land/Water ratio? For proper cooling to occur we need a ration of 1:3 - 1:4.

>The axis of revolution has shown a 33 deg. declination from the vertical, resulting in cyclic temperature anomalies.
We're working on it.

> The rivers' throughput falls far short of expectations.
This is because milk curdles, and honey crystallizes.

Herbivore fauna (as specified) is missing.
Hebivores require vegitation, which cannot grow in this heat without water. I propose to put water into the rivers. This should also help resolve problem (3).

> The orbit is unstable. Planet tends to fall into the Sun.
We will intoroduce another planet on a larger orbit to serve as a gravitational counterweight.
Comments:
There's not enough room to reduce the landmass. We will have to increase the area of the oceans. This will result in a larger diameter and stronger gravitational pull. Plus the extra planet...
-- Michael

That's allright, the user will just have to live with it. We will present the extra planet as an added feature. However, we have already announced the Milk and Honey, will have to at least leave them in the most prominent rivers.
-- Gabriel

Let me remind you that the deadline for this project is fast approaching, and yet you are still beating a dead horse. Speaking of which, why have the designers not come up with a horse concept yet, and are still mucking about with the dinosaurs? Who needs these dinosaurs anyway?
-- Jehovah

Generally speaking, the user has shown great interest in dinosaurs.
-- Gabriel

Fine. But we must have horses too.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Raphael, QA & Support Lead


In addition to the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has the tendency to fly away into space.
Herbivores are missing again.

Resolution:
Forwarding to the tech. department for review.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department


> In addition to the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has the tendency to fly away into space.
We'll add another counterweight, this time on a smaller orbit.

> Herbivores are missing again.
They seem to have multiplied, ate all the vegitation and died out.
Comments:
How many counterweights do you need?!
-- Michael

All in all after the calibration we were able to stabilize the system at nine.
-- Lucifer

Did I understand correctly? Instead of one planet the user will be getting 9?!
-- Jehovah

So what? Eight of them will be uninhabitable anyway.
-- Lucifer

The user doesn't need to know. Half of these planets cannot be seen without a telescope. I suggest ammending the user manual with an 11-th Commandment: "Thou Shalt Not Invent A Telescope".
-- Gabriel

No. Then they will definitely invent it.
-- Jehovah

By the way, after the orbital radius was increased, the brightness of the night-time light source fell below the specified minimum. I propose using a mirror after all.
-- Raphael

Where were you before? We just finished balancing the system! Should we start over?
-- Lucifer

There will be no starting over! The project deadline is in six days! Lucifer, either make it all work or you will be demoted and transferred to a different post.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

> Lucifer, either make it all work or you will
> be demoted and transferred to a different post.


How is it my fault, if I didn't get a proper spec?

Anyway... The axis will have to stay angled as it is. The garden of Eden at least, will get +24C, but if the user goes wandering around elswhere, that's his problem. Doesn't look like we'll be able to finish the dinosaurs, but at least the horses will definitely be done. Milk and Honey are out, we made the rivers run with water, although it's bringing salt out into the oceans and seas. We had to introduce some Predators to keep the Herbivores from eating up all the vegetation again. However, we didn't have time to set the predators up to distinguish the users from their prey.

In short, it will all probably work out.

Comments:
Let it be so.
-- Jehovah

Epilogue

The head of System Technology Department, Lucifer, was in the end demoted and transferred, as punishment for unsanctioned assistance lent to the user in the usability testing phase of project Genesis.

P.S. This was originally written in Russian by Yuriy Nesterenko

First-year students at the Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor:

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body". To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation."
"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

---------

Bullshit Bingo
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those
long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good
size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That
will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I
won."- Adam W., Atlanta

-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."-
David T., Florida

-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my
first win."- Dan J., New York City

-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14
of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!'
for the third time in two hours."

-------

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male.........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

-----------

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
1 Innovative.
2 Preliminary.
3 Proliferation.
4 Cinnamon.

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
1 Specificity.
2 British constitution.
3 Passive-aggressive disorder.
4 Transubstantiate.

Things that are down right IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
1 Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2 Nope, no more booze for me.
3 Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4 No kebab for me, thank you.
5 I'm not interested in fighting you.
6 Oh, I just couldn't. no one wants to hear me sing.
7 Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

-----------

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.


"Southwest 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

===========================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

===========================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================

Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Delta 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Delta 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Delta ... we've already notified our caterers."

==========================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

-------------

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going
through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair
and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have
to do with their worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of
reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this.
Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

------------

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his directionwith the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks,"I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy,that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund
says......................


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

----------------

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical
Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an
Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

-----------

A backwoods woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a
specimen.

When she got back to her cabin she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman goes next door and comes back in about 20 minutes with her clothes torn and cuts and bruises all over her face and body.

"What in the world happened?"asked her husband.

"Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose!"

--------

:bigwhitegrin: (math again)

A group of functions decides to go on a picnic.
Their bus is halted by a terrorist who springs in accosting every
trembling function with a dramatic threat, "I'm the differentiation operator.
Hand over all your valuables otherwise I will differentiate you!"
The unnerved constant rushes to hand in everything before being asked
but the threat seems to have little effect on a maverick at the back seat.
"You there, hand me all you got if you want to be yourself!" threatens the terrorist.
The maverick coolly replies, "You can't touch me. I'm e^x."
"Oh yeah? I'm d/dy...."


Q. What do you get when you cross a mountain-climber with a house-fly?
A. Nothing. You can't cross a scaler and a vector!

Newton decides its time for a change.
He draws a square of side 1m, stands in it, thinks for a while and then says, "I'm Pascal!"

Heisenberg is stopped by a cop for speeding.
Cop: Sir, have you any idea how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am!

Q. What do you call a space filled with a bunch of zeros pretending to be complex?
A. A Dilbert space!

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him, "Are you drunk?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
And then he vanishes!
(Rene Descartes was known for his statement meaning "I think, therefore I am.")

Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.

-------------

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon....
when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti.... and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"


Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

----------

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping. Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

-----------

Best Smart-ass Answers
Smart-ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-ass Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Smart-ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The
kid replied, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-ass Answer #4:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, 'Low bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally:

Smart-ass Answer #5, THE TEACHER SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in
your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say
if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess I'd say you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

-------------

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp earlier this year with a picture of President Bush to honor his achievements while in office. However, it was found that in daily use the stamp was not sticking to envelopes at all.

So the President established a blue ribbon commission to determine the reason for such a defect.

After a month's testing, and $15 million(US) later, the commission made the following findings:

1. The manufacture of the stamp was found to be in perfect order.

2. There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People were just spitting on the wrong side.

---------

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ......... and left it there all night.

-----------

Since we're doing corny (and hopefully not too early for Easter jokes):

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The Easter Bunny did this until he was out of sight.

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

---------

The Corporate Mind

Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and amusing all at the same time. The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe and England were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story...
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroads gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the worlds most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!

(http://www.snopes.co...rican/gauge.htm - good to know? who cares)
---------

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a
Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the
floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! *
The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly,drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so
mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

----------

Q: What kind of bees give milk
A: Boo bees. :bigwhitegrin:

-----

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you, he must have had something in his
hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

--------

Inner peace...



I am passing this on to you

because it has definitely worked for me...

and at this time of year we all could use a little...

calm!!!



By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have

finally found inner peace...



The article read:



"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish

all the things you've started."



So I looked around the house to see all the

things I started and hadn't finished... and

before coming to work this morning I

finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the

Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some valium and

a box of chocolates.



You have no idea how freakin good I feel...

--------

"Compassionate Conservatism"

George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"

-------

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that? asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".

----------

One day, the Pope dies, and when he gets to the Pearly Gates, he sees that there is only one man in front of him. St Peter is scanning through the computer, and finally says to the man. "Well, I have found nothing really wrong in your file, so, in you go!" The Gates swing open, and the man goes in.

Up steps the Pope, and upon seeing him, St Peter says, "Oh, your Holiness! Welcome! I'll have no need to do a search on you! Please, enter!" So in goes the Pope.

Once inside, the Pope sees two cars sitting at the curb. The first is a Rolls Royce Limo, the second, a beat up old Lada. Much to his surprise, the man gets into the Rolls! The driver of the Lada then signals the Pope to climb in. So, the Lada chugs along right behind the Rolls.

After a while, the Rolls stops right in front of this gorgeous Mansion with about 50 beautiful ladies giggling around a swimming pool. The man gets out of the Rolls, and walks to his new digs.

A few minutes later, the Lada stops in front of an ugly old apartment building, and the driver says, "Room 1823. Have fun! It's a walk up!"

By this time, the Pope is a little miffed. So he says to the driver, "Who was that other guy anyway? He gets a Rolls to drive him, while I, the Pope, get an old Lada! He gets a mansion with lovely ladies around a swimming pool, and I get a room on the 18th floor of a walk-up! What gives"

"Oh!" says the driver. "He's a lawyer."

"A lawyer?" cries the Pope. "I don't understand?"

"Well", says the driver, "Popes are a dime a dozen up here, but he's the first lawyer we've ever had!"

You know you're living in 2005 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN code on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.


4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.


6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.


7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally do "0" to get an outside line.



8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.


10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.


11. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.


12. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.


13. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.


14. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries' annual budgets combined.


15. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.


16. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.


17. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.


18. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.


20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.


21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".


AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...


22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.


23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"


24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.


25. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 & 19



26. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9


---------

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration."

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."

Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry "and have been most of my life."

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

--------

Well, since we seem to be having a weekend in the middle of the week...................

As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!’"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!’"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

---------

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel from a car sticking out the fly of his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey! You've got a steering wheel stuck in your pants!"

The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."

--------

Well that's how it was told to me, anyway here's a generic one......

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my younger son. He's a martyr, too."

The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

-----------

Two bees are flying along on their way south for the winter. Suddenly one of then says, "I got to head down for a moment. I've really got to take a leak!"

The other one replies, "Not yet you don't! We have to keep going until we spot a BP station!"

-------

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive. I'll take the gun."

-----------

Two Videos Are For Sale, Which to Buy? "Titanic" or "My Life-The Bill Clinton Movie&q
TITANIC VIDEO: $9. 99
CLINTON VIDEO: $9. 99


TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long


TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist


TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill


TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica


TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there


TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica is forced to return her gifts


TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack


TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica. . . uh, never mind


TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary . . . basically the same thing

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he Could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

-------

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

---------

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions asked of witnesses during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

Were you alone or by yourself?

Did he kill you?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All of your answers must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Q: But could he have been still alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

-------------

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isnt just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

---------

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

Adam
Subject: Why God Created Eve


10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all [Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.] God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."

---------

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,

"Mommy, are these my brains?"

Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

-----------

You've all seen this from the female side of the house:

"Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner."

And now, for the male response:

"Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

----------

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

-----------

An Amish boy is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. All of a sudden, his Father storms in, grabs him, and drags him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. The father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with Yon sheep!"

The boy kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened the Father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"

-----------

Guy from Oklahoma and guy from Arkansas were out hunting. They find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

Guy from Oklahoma says. "Now's our chance," and he goes over and buggers the sheep.

He gets done and says to the other guy, "Your turn."

The guy from Arkansas goes over and sticks his head in the fence.

-------

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

--------

At the Greater Cincinnati Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

------

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

----------

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
And now they have a son.

-------

The Pope and Bill Clinton both died on the same day and
were both standing before St. Peter in Heaven.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, gentlemen, but Heaven is almost full and I can only admit one more person this evening. Someone will have to wait until tomorrow."

The three tried to figure out who would get to go in.
They finally decided that the best way to do it would be by flipping a coin.

So, St. Peter flipped the coin, and the Pope called Heads.
Unfortunately, the coin landed on tails, so Bill Clinton got to go into heaven first,
while the Pope had to spend the night outside.

The next morning, St. Peter came to see the Pope.
"I'm sorry you had to spend the night out here, your Holiness.
If only you had won that coin toss. To show you how bad I feel,
I'll take you to meet whoever you like in heaven."

The pope responds, "I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

To which St. Peter replies, "Again, if only you had won that coin toss..."

-------

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

--------

You're not a Monk

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a
beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and
knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk
answered, listened to the man's story and graciously
invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in
which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept
serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound.

The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he
asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said,
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he
thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his
way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the
source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same
area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked
admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so
enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be
permitted to spend another night under their peaceful
roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed.

Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning,
he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks
said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.
He decided to give up everything and become a monk if
that was the only way to learn about the sound.

He informed the monks of his decision and began the
long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen
years later, the man was finally established as a true
member of the order. When the celebration ended, he
humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be
told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge
wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key.
That door swung open to reveal a second door of
silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had
passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent
than the last. The new monk's face was awash with
tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source
of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years
before......




But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

---------

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

--------

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell.

"You can't go there!!," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized!!"

"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!!"

-----------

Punishment For Gates

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy
and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood,
I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive
coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured
by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which
there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."

-----------

A guy from Texas enters a pub in Dublin, walks to the bar and orders a pint and watches the other patrons. After a while he says: "I've heard the irish are the greatest drinkers in the world - I'll give $500 to the first one who manages to drink 10 pints in 10 minutes without spilling!" - Nothing happens. After a few minutes a guy stands up - "10 pints in 10 minutes you say?" the texan nods and the guy leaves the pub. After half an hour he's back, orders 10 pints, drinks one pint a minute without spilling a single drop. The texan is impressed and gives him the $500.
After a while the texan asks "I've seen you leaving the pub for a while before drinking the 10 pints, what were you doing?" - "Well, I was in the other pub down the street, had to check if I could really do it."

On a tour of the US, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in his shorts and sandals when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Washington Redskins jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Redskin fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there was a bitter hatred between the Eagles and the Redskins, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope walked off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

---------

The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Soccer Match.

Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."

The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildly for a week with just the nod of my head."

The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."

That said, the Pope promptly headbutts the Queen.

---------

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled LOVE and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
~~
~~
~~
~~
~~
"Czechoslovakia."

---------

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

----------

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough! I want a
divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus in the garage and
no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

----------

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating.

He says, "Son, every time you do that you're killing innocent babies."

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.

Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

---------

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did.

When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest, moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."

--------

Big People Words

Kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher wanted No "Baby Talk"!

You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Charlie what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride,
and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

----------

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Listen carefully, for the last time, I said ........BRING POSSE!'

--------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were trotting along on their way from x to y when all of a sudden, a huge band of Indians appears on the crest of the hill to the north of them. Lone says to Tonto, "Tonto! Turn east!" So they did!

A couple of minutes later, a huge band of Indians appears on the crest of the hill to the east of them. Lone says to Tonto, "Tonto! Turn west!" So they did!

A couple of minutes later, a huge band of Indians appears on the crest of the hill to the west of them. Lone says to Tonto, "Tonto! Turn south!" So they did!

A couple of minutes later, a huge band of Indians appears on the crest of the hill to the south of them. Lone says to Tonto, "Tonto! What are we going to do now?"

Tonto replies, "What you mean we, white man?"

---------

A man walks into a drug store with his young son. They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son...Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.........

----------

Lawrence of Arabia and six Beduin tribesmen are riding on their camels across the "Empty Quarter" of Saudi Arabia. All of a sudden, Lawrence hears,

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ..... 10" repeated over and over.

At first he gives it no mind, but after a while, it really starts to annoy him. He stops the camel train, tells the Arabs to line up in front of him, and says, "OK! Who's counting repeatedly from one to ten?"

The Arabs all shrug their heads and say, "It's not I, Effendi! And I don't hear any counting!"

Lawrence then says, "Well, it has to be one of you! We're the only people within about 100 km of here, and it's not me! If this keeps up, I'm going to shoot you one by one until it stops, understand?"

So they mount up and proceed. A little while later, Lawrence hears again,

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ..... 10" repeated over and over.

He stops the train again, and says, "OK, that's it! One of you is still counting!" So he takes out his pistol, and shoots the Arab on the left. Away they go again, one man short.

A little while later, Lawrence hears,

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ..... 10" repeated over and over.

He then shoots a second Arab. This goes on and on until he has finally shot the last Arab and is all alone. Just he and his camel. So they proceed along, and suddenly he hears,

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ..... 10" repeated over and over.

He stops his camel, dismounts, and says to the beast, "Holy shit! A talking camel! I could make a fortune with you! But I can't stand the counting!" So he takes out his pistol and shoots the camel right between the eyes!

He packs what he can carry, and sets out on foot. After a while, he stops for a break, pulls out his smokes, and lights up. Then, suddenly he hears,

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ..... 10" repeated over and over.

He jumps to his feet, and cries out, "What in the name of God is going on! I'm the only person alive anywhere near here! How could this be!"

Suddenly, a gust of wind picks the cigarette pack from his hand, and blows it across the sand. Lawrence gives chase, and finally catches it. He picks it up, and starts to examine it, when he suddenly notices printed on the pack,

"It's the tobacco that counts!"

--------

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick."
"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."

--------

Q:Why did the chewing gum cross the road ?

A:because it was stuck to the chikens foot.

-----

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.

-------------

A guy to another.
-I don't know what is wrong, I am seeing large red flashing dots every nights.
-Have you seen a doctor?
-No! Just large red flashing dots.

-------

Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"

--------

Man goes into Docs and says, "Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains."

Doc says, "Pull yourself together."

-------

Man goes into Docs and says, "Doc, I think I'm a pair of pliers."

Doc says, "Get a grip mate."

--------

Gunfighter!

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

-----------

25 Signs That You've Grown Up!!!

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12 You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

-----------

Fred had the following encounter the other day. He was accosted by a particularly shabby, smelly man who asked him for money for dinner.

Fred took out his wallet, extracted a fiver, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the beggar said.

"Will you use it to gamble?" he asked.

"I don't gamble," said the man.

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" he asked.

"Are you MAD? Said the beggar, "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" At which Fred exclaimed,

"Forget the money. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The beggar was astounded.

"Won't your wife be bothered? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad too."

"That's alright," he replied, "I want her to see what a man looks like when he's given up drink, gambling, and golf !"

------------

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

-----------

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven,whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.

St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?

Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

-----------

THE NUN AT HOOTERS

A Nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in
awhile, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go
out the place would erupt in cheers. However, when the revelers saw the
Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and
asked.
"May I please use the rest-room?"

The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the Nun asked.

"Well, there is a life-sized statue of a naked man in there, and his
most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the Nun, "I'll just look the other way.

So the bartender showed the Nun the door at the top of stairs, and
proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and
the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they
did stop just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.

She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why
did they applaud me for going to the restroom?"

"Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender
"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that
drink?"

----------

Two Lab Rats talking:" I have this psychologist so well trained, that every time I ring the bell he feeds me "

----------

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham ON was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this, without effect.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Under careful instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.

There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are Teachers .. and then there are Educators.

------------

30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

----------

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

----------

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are The seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you ?". Dopey asks: "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?". The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers: "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome". In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back: "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?". The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers: "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe". This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says: "Mr. Pope ! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ?". "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world". The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting......

"Dopey screwed a penguin ! Dopey screwed a penguin !"



o sa vb sa mutam bancurile in engleza intr-un thread separat si astfel impacam ambele tabere :)

Edit: :P

Edited by inana, 03 January 2006 - 17:16.

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a
truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over. When he did, the
driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He
drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats. When the truck
driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked. "Watch this." He got a
baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he
turned and looked, Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a
rage.

He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing.

The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and
got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned
around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4
times."

--------------

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

------

A pilot was having trouble maintaing the stability of his plane. So he turned to the co-pilot and asked him what the trouble was. The co-pilot said that there were a bunch of norwegians on board causing a ruckus. So the pilot asked him to calm them down. The co-pilot left and came back, and suddenly the plane was calm. The pilot said "How did you take care of all those norwegians?"

"Oh, it was easy" said the co-pilot. "I just opened the hatch and told them there was free lutefisk in the basement!"

----------

Waking Up
BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.

CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!

NUMBER 1: Sir! We're picking up loud music.

CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!

NUMBER 1: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."

CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?

NUMBER 1: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.

CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.

NUMBER 1: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a woman sleeping there.

CENTRAL: A woman?

NUMBER 1: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.

CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?

NUMBER 1: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.

CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.

NUMBER 1: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?

CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?

STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.

CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!

STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.

CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.

STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.

CENTRAL: Good man.

NUMBER 1: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!

CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.

NUMBER 1: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.

CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!

NUMBER 1: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.

CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.

SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.

CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?

NUMBER 1: Work, sir?

CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell again.

SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.

NUMBER 1: Sir? Do you have orders?

CENTRAL: Hmmm?

NUMBER 1: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?

CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.

NUMBER 1: Aye aye, sir!

SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.

CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!

BLADDER: Yes sir?

CENTRAL: How are you holding?

BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.

CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.

NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!

CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?

NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...

CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.

NOSE: Thank you, sir.

CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.

NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!

CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.

NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.

CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!

STOMACH: Sir?

CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?

STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.

CENTRAL: Damn!

NUMBER 1: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!

CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?

NUMBER 1: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.

CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.

NUMBER 1: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.

CENTRAL: For crying out loud.

NUMBER 1: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.

CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?

NUMBER 1: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.

CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.

NUMBER 1: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!

CENTRAL: Fire!

NUMBER 1: Hit! Sir, direct hit!

CENTRAL: Ears!

NUMBER 1: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!

CENTRAL: We've done it!

SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.

NUMBER 1: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.

CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.

NUMBER 1: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.

CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.

NUMBER 1: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.

CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.

NUMBER 1: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.

CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.

NUMBER 1: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.

CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.

NUMBER 1: Aye aye, sir.

---------


You know you are addicted to coffee if ...


-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-You have to watch DVDs in fast-forward.

-The only time you're standing still is during an
earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.

-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-You chew on other people's fingernails.

-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-You can jump-start your car without cables.

-You don't sweat, you percolate.

-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.

-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

--------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

---------

Senior Citizen Pick-Up

A elderly gentleman, very well dressed, (in his mid 90's) with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well cared for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady (mid 80's), also well dressed and attractive is sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,"So tell me, do I come here often?"

---------

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balanceand fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

-------

A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he proceeds to kick her, pick her up, and slam her against a wall. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not too tough, tonight, are ya, Batman!"

--------

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet
him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would
never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of
a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The
Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

-------------

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "yes, I see," and "yes, go on,"
and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"

----------

HAVE YOU EVER CALLED IN SICK?

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known

----------

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast
"Oh think I'll have a shag please!"
So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work.
Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?"
"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!"
So again they shag and he returns to work.
Half-hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister rail ! "What are you doin?" he asks.
"Oh honey, I'm warming up your dinner!!"

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

--------

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

--------

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?"
Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box.
She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

---------

Santa Claus, like all airlines operating in US air space, gets regular visits from the United Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

----------

~~FINAL EXAM~~

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

HISTORY:
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day,concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to it probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY:
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY:
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

ENGINEERING:
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

PHYSICS:
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

If you finish early turn your paper in at the table at the front of the room.

-------------

Jim and Edna are both patients in a mental hospital. One day they are strolling the grounds and Jim ;who has a death wish launches himself into the swimming pool and proceeds to drown. Edna leaps in and saves him.Later people from the mental health board visit Edna in her room. Edna they say we think you showed great presence of mind and rational response in saving Jim, we have good news and bad news. The good news is since you did so well we have decided to release you....the bad I'm sorry to tell you Jim has just hanged himself in his room. Well it's peachy youve decide to let me go, says Edna don't worry about Jim he didn't hang himself.. I put him there to dry.

-------

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

A: Too many cheetahs

-------

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

----------

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure, here it is. (It was valid)

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
(The driver owned the car)

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

(Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box)

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.
(Trunk is opened; no body)

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too.

-------------

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

--------

A bus station is where the bus stops;

A train station is where the train stops;

On my desk, I have a work station.........

--------

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and worked both sides of the Ohio River!"

--------

Three young boys were celebrating their birthday (they were triplets). Their mom bakes them a cake for their birthday party, but when she finished, she realized that she didn't have any treats to use to decorate the top of the cake.

As an alternative, she used some of the BBs from the boys BB guns but she forgot to tell the boys about this unusual topping, and each of them unknowingly ate the BBs
.
At midnight that night, one of the triplets ran into his parents' bedroom, yelling "Mommy! Mommy!"
"What's wrong?", she replied.
He screamed, "I just went to the bathroom and BBs came out!"
His mother asked, "Do you feel all right now?"
He told her he did and she sent him back to bed.

Around 3am, the same thing happened with the second triplet with the same result.

At noon the next day, the third triplet ran to his mother screaming, "Mommy, mommy!" She stopped him and said, "Let me guess........You went to the bathroom and BBs came out."

"No", he replied, "I farted and I shot the dog!"

--------

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

-----------

People over 35 should be dead. Here's why:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! U n t h i n k a b l e !
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, DVD's, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends!
We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment!
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Congratulations...so far...so good!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!

-------

Funny if ya follow American football:

Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Patriots fan, a Falcons fan, an Eagles fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.

Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Patriots fan proclaimed to the other four, "This is for the New England Patriots!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.

Not to be outdone by a Patriots fan, the Falcons fan jumped up and said, "This is for the Atlanta Falcons!" and threw himself off the mountain, again, as a form of sacrifice.

Refusing to be outdone by the Patriots and Falcons fans, the Eagles fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "This is for the Philadelphia Eagles!" and, without hesitation,
threw the Pittsburgh Steelers fan off the mountain

-------

Henry Kissinger, a Priest, and a Hippie happened to end up flying together as passengers in a light aircraft over the Sinai Peninsula. Suddenly they saw that the A/C was decreasing in altitude. Then the pilot threw open the door, and screamed, "It's so hot over the desert that the wings aren't giving enough lift! There are two parachutes for you! I'm out of here! Woth that, he leaped out of the door, and they saw his chute open way below.

Kissinger said, "Well, no time for Debate! I'm the Smartest Man in the World, so I have to have one of the parachutes to save myself!" With that, he grabbed a bag, and out he jumped!

The Priest and the Hippie looked at each other, and then the Priest said, "Take the other, my son. I'm getting on, but you're still a young man with your whole life ahead of you!" He then began to pray for the Hippie's safety.

The Hippie looked around, and then he said, "Father! Here! Take this chute, and I'll take the other." Startled the Priest said, "But the pilot said .." The Hippie interruped him and said, "Father! The Smartest Man in the World just jumped out of the plane with my knapsack!"

---------

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

[off-topic] - deletable
a fost topic da vad ca s-a merge-uit inapoi cu bancuri ... add? :rolleyes: sau s-a razgandit inana? :huh:
[/off-topic]

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer..................................................and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

------

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

------

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

---------

A guy goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his butt.

"That looks nasty," says the doctor.

"Thats nothing," says the guy, "in fact, its just the tip of the iceberg."

-----------

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I want you to use 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Washington, DC and saw the White House. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really want you to use 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated but finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

-------

A man walks up to the main desk a library and says in a loud commanding voice to the librarian, “I’ll take two hamburgers, no
mayonnaise, and an order of fries”. The librarian looks up at him, shocked. Summoning up all the testy authority she can, she
says to him, “Sir, this is a library!”
The man pauses for only a split second and then leans over close to her, cups his hand over his mouth so as to direct his voice
only to her ear, and whispers, “I’ll take two hamburgers, no mayonaise, and an order of fries”.

---------

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

----------

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
" I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

----------

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

-------

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

-----------

A blonde sruggles to push her dying car into the mechanic."It just stopped"she says.
The mechanic fiddles around under the bonnet and soon the car is running smoothly again."What was it?"she asks. "oh just shit in the carburetor" replies the mechanic.
"Oh yeah" says the blonde "How often do I have to do that?"

--------

An Australian parochial joke...


There were these three Aussies walking along one day, a Victorian, a New South Welshman and a South Australian, and they came across an old lamp. They rubbed it and conveniently a genie came out and said they had three wishes between them.

"I wish for a huge wall all the way around New South Wales," said the New South Welshman, "so that these South Ausies and Victorians can't come around bothering us all the time". Instantly it was done, there was a 100 foot wall along the state border blocking NSW from the other states.

The Victorian reckoned he could do better than that. "I wish for a huge, massive wall around Victoria, 300 feet high and with a roof across the top. That will keep all of the South Aussies and New South Welshmen out." Instantly it was done.

The South Aussie said simply "Fill it with water"

----------

Q "What's brown and looks like wood?"
A Stick.

-------

An Irishman, a Scott and a North Korean are all looking for work.They go to the local wharf where the Foreman agrees to try them out for a day before deciding to give them a job.
He says to the irishman "You're going to get a broom and sweep all the sand from here to here." To the Scotsman "you're going to get a spade and shovel all the sand from here to here" and to the North Korean he says "you. You're in charge of Supplys"
When the foreman returns he's amazed to see that no work has been done. He Questions the Irishman who replys "Well I would have had it done, but you put the North Korean in charge of supplys and he never gave me a broom" he gets much the same response from the Scotsman "Well would be shovelling by now but I couldn't find the little Asian to get a spade" The foreman goes hunting for the North Korean, he searches all around the wharf with no luck until he is walking past a huge pile of sand and the North Korean leaps out yelling "suplize!"

-----------

Once there was a man called Zebidiah Zackariah he wanted to join the army.
As the army was going to war they were arming the troops and because the army does everything alphabetically Zebidiah was always last in line. When he reached the Seargent who was handing out guns he was told sorry we just ran out of guns, but take this broom, point it at the enemy and say "bang bang gun" you'l be right. Now Zebidiah wasn't too bright so he thought this would be o.k. The same thing happened when he went to be issued with his grenades. "Sorry mate all out of grenades but take these lemons lob them at the enemy yelling Boom Boom grenade and you'l be right.Now Zebidiah who wasn't too bright thought this will be o.k.and off he went to battle...He's out there pointing his broom yelling "Bang Bang gun" lobbing his grenades"Boom Boom grenade" after a while he looked around to find that everyone but him had died during the battle, apart from 1 guy from the other side who was coming at him across the field. Zebidiah got out his broom and pointed it at his enemy yelling "Bang Bang gun"But the guy kept on coming so he lobbed his grenades yelling "Boom Boom grenade" Still the guy kept on coming until he was right on top of Zebidiah then he says"hah huh ha Rumble Rumble Tank.

----------

Never mistake a lad in the Artillery for a bartender, and say, "Fire me another round!"

------

Decisions.......

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

---------

Paddy was sitting at a bar when a very well dressed gentleman came in and sat down at the same table. After a while they started
conversation. Paddy asked the gentleman what he did for a living. The person replied "I'm Professor of Logic at Dublin University".

"Oh," says Paddy, "What's that, logic?"

"Well," says the Prof., "logic is when things or events follow each other. To give you a demonstration, I've noticed that you
have very rough hands. This tells me that you are a manual labourer".

"Dat's roight," says Paddy, "Oi works digging trenches"

"And to carry this one point further, being a manual worker, you would have a big garden shed," says the Prof.

"Dat's roight," says Paddy, "Oi has a big garden shed".

"Well there you are," says the Prof. "That's logic . . . one thing follows another in a logical sequence. And to take it one further, if you have a big garden shed, then you would have a big garden".

"Yes, Oi have half an acre at home; vegies for all the family", says Paddy.

"See . . . logical progression . . . one thing follows another. And, to take it one step further, if you have a big garden, you would
have a big house", says the Prof.

"Ah, yes" says Paddy, totally in awe.

"And if you have a big house, you would have a lot of kids."

"Yes, dere is nine in the family. That's amazing!" says Paddy.

"That's logic." says the Prof. "And, to take it even one step further, if you have a a lot of kids, you have a wife."

"Wow! That's amazing! I do have a wife!" says Paddy.

"And since you have a wife and many children, you probably have sex regularly".

"Certainly," Paddy emphasises. "Six nights a week and twice on Sunday".

"Ah, and if you were having sex that regularly, you would not have to masturbate," says the Prof.

"Oh, never, never, not for many, many years," says Paddy.

"Well," says the Prof., "there you are, logical progression . . . one thing follows another".

"Wow!" says Paddy amazed "That's amazing!"

"That's logic" said the professor, bids farewell to Paddy and leaves the pub.

Patrick, sitting at the bar, then sidles up to Paddy and asks, "Who was that, Paddy?"

"Oh", says Paddy, "That was a very educated gentleman. He's a Professor of Logic at Dublin University".

"Logic?," says Patrick, "What's logic?"

"I'll tell you all about it," says Paddy. "Tell me, Patrick, do you have a garden shed?"

"No," says Patrick.

"You're a wanker!"

-----------

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both
are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping
his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in
the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge
of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

"You know, Dennis, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die.

----------

A man gets into his seat on an airline, which is about
to take off, when another man with a Labrador
Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him. The
Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is
looking quizzically at the dog when the second man
explains that they work for the airline.


The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a
sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once
we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler
says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the
dog, "Sniffer, search."


Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits
next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to
its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a
note of this and her seat number for the police who
will apprehend her upon arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on
the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is
carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this
and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the
aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and, after
a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes
racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all
over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks,
"What's going on?"


The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

[off-topic] - deletable
io am facut merge...  ma gandeam ca e nou tipu care l-a deschis, daca vreti un thread numai cu "inglish geouks" fie.
[/off-topic]

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think it's whale shit.

How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.

Why do niggers stink?
So blind people can hate them too.

What do nigger kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.

What's a niggers idea of foreplay?
"Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."

What is a nigger on a bike?
Thief.

What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life?
First grade.

What is a nigger?
Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road?
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?
"I set WHO free?"

Why is interrogating a Mexican like a pool ball?
The harder you hit it the more English you get.

How many niggers does it take to pave a driveway?
One if you spread him real thin.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.

Why don't nigger women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.

Why does Alabama have niggers and California have earthquakes?
California got first pick.

Why do Mexican cars have those little steering wheels?
So they can drive handcuffed.

Why are niggers like sperm?
Only one in a million actually work.

Why do police dogs lick their ass?
To get the taste of nigger out of their mouth.

What can a pizza do that a nigger can't?
Feed a family of four.

Why did the nigger carry a piece of shit in his wallet?
I.D.

What is red green yellow orange purple and pink?
A nigger dressed for church.

Did you hear about the new Black Barbie?
It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with a gorilla?
A dumb gorilla.

What's the difference between niggers and pit-bulls?
It's still legal to own a pit-bull.

What do you say to a black man in uniform?
"I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke."

Who were the three most famous women in black history?
Aunt Jemima, Diana Ross, and Mother Fucker!

What do you do if you see a nigger with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload.

Why did god create orgasms?
So niggers know when to stop.

Why can't nigger women become nuns?
Because they can't get used to saying 'superior' after 'Mother'.

How do you fit 15 niggers in the back of a Cadillac?
Don't worry, they'll figure it out.

Whats blue and hangs in my front yard?
My nigger I can paint him whatever color I want.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because one of them lost a quarter.

What does N.A.A.C.P stand for?
Niggers Are Always Causing Problems

What do a nigger and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

Why are niggers always buried 12 feet deep?
Deep down they're good people.

What's black, orange, and very pretty?
A nigger on fire.

What do you have if you've got a nigger up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement.

How was copper wire invented?
Two jews fighting over a penny.

How do you starve a nigger?
Hide his welfare check under his work boots.

Why are there trees in Harlem?
Public transportation.

What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
"Drop it nigger."

What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.

Why don't niggers like blowjobs?
They don't like any jobs.

What do you call a nigger priest?
Holy shit.

Why don't mexicans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Why do mexicans have re-fried beans?
Have you ever heard of a mexican doing anything right the first time?

What are three things you can't give a nigger?
A black eye, a fat lip and an education.

What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Niggers Think Its A Cadillac.

Do you remember the nigger family on the Jetsons? No?
The future looks pretty good!

Did you hear about the nigger that thought he was bleeding to death?
Turns out he just had diarrhea.

Why don't jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.

Why do niggers drive with their windows up?
They think the smell is coming from outside.

Why do niggers like basket ball?
It involves running, shooting and stealing.

Recycling can be a good thing

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!

"Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.

Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted ,
"Coldwater, move!"

--------

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day, it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

----------

An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire fixes itself.

---------

Why are Micheal Jacksons trousers so tight?
Coz there not his!

-------

A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles, and I'm not having any shot."

So, the dentist says, "Okay. We'll go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." The dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water.

"Here," he says, "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" And the dentist replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

--------

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm
off now. The man should be here soon'. Half an hour later, just by
chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain.' Mrs. Smith cut in, 'I've been expecting
you'.

Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we
start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there'.

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with there results'.

My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that'.

'Don't I know it', said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus', he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
mother was so difficult to work with'.

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get
a good look'.

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in'.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away'.

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and sure enough, the next time the whole congregation was in temple, he had the hypnotist perform.......

"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch," he said.

Then he accidently dropped the watch he said,"SHIT!!!!"

It took 3 weeks to clean up the temple.

--------

A Catholic Church and a Jewish Synagogue were across the street from each other. Over the years, the Priest and the Rabbi had developed quite a friendship, even though they were both trying to convert the other.

One day, the Priest was looking out the window, and he saw the Rabbi starting to cross the street for a visit. Suddenly, a car came speding along, and clipped the Rabbi, knocking him to the ground!

The Priest ran out and helped his friend to his feet. Then, to his amazement, the Rabbi seemed to cross himself!

Startled, the Priest exclaimed, "Ha! It often takes a brush with death for a person to see the Truth! Welcome to the Faith!"

The Rabbi looked at his friend and started to laugh. "You don't think I've converted, do you? Why would you think that?"

The Father replied, "Well, I saw you cross yourself!"

The Rabbi said, "Oh no! I wasn't crossing myself! I was just checking."

"Checking for what?"

"You know! Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!"

----------

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.”

-------

A priest and a rabbi collided in a terrible accident. Shaken, they crawled from the wreckage of their cars and agreed that it was a God-given miracle that they had survived. The rabbi pulled from his car an unbroken bottle of brandy, and once again they agreed it was a miracle, and that they should have a drink. The priest took a goodly draught, and the rabbi did not. "Aren't you having any?" asked the priest. "No," said the rabbi. "I'll just sit here and wait for the police."

---------

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did."

-------

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

-----------

When Mother Teresa died she ended up to the gates of heaven. God told her to come in and asked if Mother Teresa was hungry. Teresa nodded and God made a couple of sandwiches.

While they were eating them Mother Teresa looked down and saw people eating very good looking food in hell. On second day the same happened, she ate sandwiches and in hell they had lots of food.

This continued for many days until Mother Teresa asked God why they were eating sandwiches and in hell they have everything fancy. God answered to this: I think it is a waste to cook a decent meal for just two.

---------

One night a robber broke into a home.
While he rummaged through the desk he heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!''
He whispered, ''Who said that?!''
Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot.
He asked the parrot what its name was.
The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.''
The robber muttered to himself, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!''
The parrot answered, ''The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!''

---------

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. Your truck's Blue Book value goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same In-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the "Star-Spangled Banner's" last words are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.