Heaven or Hell?

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"


... and another one:

Skydiving blind...
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him, "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered, "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."


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