Jokes & other funny texts

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster. Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.
Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"
Fiancee: "Well, I'm an artist."
D: "So you're doing well?"
F: "I paint, and god provides me with all I need to live."
So the dad is a bit confused.
D: "And what will you do when you marry my daughter? Will your art provide for the two of you?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for us."
D: "And when you have kids?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for my family."
The dad nods and walks out of the study. Outside, his daughter is anxiously waiting for him.
Daughter: "So, daddy? What'd you think of him? He's great, isn't he?"
"Well, sweetie," says the father, "I don't like his job choice. But, on the other hand, I LOVE what he calls me!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is no longer with us," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, the duck is no longer with us."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$830" she cried,"$830 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $30, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $830.

A Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room: Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable.
Doctor: Trust me lady, I am a Doctor and I am a Gentleman.
Lady patient: No Sir, that's not the issue. Your beautiful receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...!!!!!!

Introducing my girlfriend to my family

Me: this is my girlfriend Janine
Janine: hi
Wife: what the fuck?

Nu m-am prins ce e asa amuzant. Ce daca o chema Janine?

Wife-Nevastă.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE by JOHN CLEESE

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.”

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose.”

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

 Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

 Regards,
John Cleese ,

British writer, actor and tall person

 

And as a final thought – 

Greece is collapsing, The Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. 

Welcome back to 430 BC.  -- 

WHAT DO DAVID BECKHAM AND FERRERO ROCHER CHOCOLATES HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH COME IN POSH BOXES.

A black child and his father are on an airplane.
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain makes an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no choice but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black." Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still too heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out of the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"

A farmer buys a young cock.
As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

Romanian version of yesterday: https://forum.softpe...0#entry21218795...

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

The Soviet army is marching in Finland.
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again.
The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence.
The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and says to the general, do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers.

Fellow redditor?

On topic:

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

A married couple had just gotten their first smart TV. The husband, excited with the new tech, kept switching back and forth between a fishing show and porn. Eventually, the wife got fed up and said: "Would you please leave it on the porn channel? You already know how to fish."

mynameismada, on 09 iunie 2017 - 13:50, said:

Da, insa e subtire de tot pe partea de jokes.

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please!" said the man.
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

I wonder: do gay people use STR8 deodorant?