Jokes & other funny texts

sure they do, just not in the straight way you're thinking.

Q. What's the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in.

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

A man came home from the mine where he works, very sad and stressed.
The wife asks: Babe what's wrong???
The man says: All the people I'm working with are dead.
Wife: What happened??
Man: The lift cables broke and the lift lost control and killed all of them.
Wife: How did you survive??
Man: Had a running stomach so I went to the toilet... when coming back, they were gone, and every family will receive $10 million each.
Wife: Daaaaamn!!! You mean i have lost $10 million because of Your ......SHIT !?!?!?

KEV was passing by Tom’s hay shed one day when he saw Tom doing a slow and sensual strip tease in front of an old red tractor. With his arse clenched tightly, Tom slowly spun around and gently slid off his gumboots.
He then hunched his shoulders forward and let his braces fall from his shoulders to dangle by his hips and over his dirty jeans.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt, he ripped it apart to reveal his food-stained singlet beneath, before finally hurling his manky old hat onto a pile of hay.
“What in the bloody hell are you doing, Tom?” yelled Kev.
“Jesus! Ya frightened the living crap out of me!” said an obviously embarrassed Tom.
“Me and the missus have been having some problems in the bedroom lately and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The queen and king of clubs.
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What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician?
A labracadabrador.

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Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don`t work.

Mergea și că nu pot sufla în coarne(ele însele).

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How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?
Stop eating cartepillars.

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How do you keep warm in a cold room?
You go to the corner, because it's always 90 degrees.

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As a golfer, it's always smart to wear two pairs of pants.
You know, in case you get a hole in one.

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How do bovines do math?
With a cow-culator.

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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.

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What has a tail and a head but no legs?
A penny.

Edited by MembruAnonim, 07 July 2017 - 08:37.

The 22 most ridiculous US laws still in effect today


1. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington)

2. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Waynesboro, Virginia)

3. If you have mustaches, it’s illegal for you to kiss a woman (Eureka, Nevada)

4. If you are found stealing soap, you must wash yourself until the bar of soap has been completely used up (Arizona)

5. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington)

6. It’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (22.5 kg) (Idaho)

7. In San Antonio, flirting is against the law (Texas)

8. It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana)

9 .You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday (Washington)

10. You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming)

11. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama)

12. It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (Carrizozo, New Mexico)

13. Red cars may not drive down Lake Street (Minneapolis, Minnesota)

14. Marriage between cousins is against the law only if they are younger than 65 (Utah)

15. You are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands (Gainesville, Georgia)

16. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)

17. It’s against the law to sing off-key (North Carolina)

18. It’s illegal to sell your eyeballs (Texas)

19. Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio)

20. If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison (Arizona)

21. Chickens are not allowed to cross the road (Quitman, Georgia)

22. Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina)

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.
He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"
The barman says, "It's a Moose."
The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Two bulls are up on the hill staring down upon their herd. The young bull says to the old bull "Hey let's run down there real quick and fuck one of those cows!"

The old bull says "Nah, lets walk down.......and fuck em all"

This guy is sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. “Why so glum, chum?” he asks his sad friend.
“Oh, it’s my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards ... just everything.”
The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. “I know,” he exclaims, “Challenge her to a pissing contest.”
“A pissing contest?”
“Surely you can out distance her on that ... do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference.”
“Ok, I’ll do it.”
So he goes home and says to his wife, “I challenge you to distance pissing contest. We’ll meet on the front lawn after dark.”
So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower.
Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his “equipment”. His wife says, “Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed.”

SEX and GRAMMAR
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1,2,3.’ When you do you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?” The old man responded, “Your partner must say ‘1,2,3,4, ‘ but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said ‘1,2,3!’ Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1,2,3 for?”
And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
Love the Dad’s reply!

“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

‘Oh please excuse me, ‘ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’

‘That’s perfectly all right, ‘ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

‘Well, I really don’t know, ‘ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,

‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’

The bunny said,

‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,

‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,

‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you have no balls ... You must be a POLITICIAN.

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
“The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!”

The Government today announced that it’s changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Edited by sorin61, 27 September 2017 - 20:47.