Jokes & other funny texts

Two blondes fell down a hole:
- It's dark in here, isn't it?
- I don't know, I can't see.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

My first day as a car salesman:

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office??

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her, “On what day will I die?”
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
“Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.
“Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"
So the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick".
This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.
"Well," says Jack, "the fact of the matter is, my sister's been going through a lot of stress just lately. Her husband has taken to drinking and gambling in a big way, and he goes out every Thursday night to play poker, and usually he loses 'cos he's a lot dumber than he thinks he is, and he comes home drunk, broke, and in a vile temper. Every time he gets in the door when he's in that state, he knocks her about, and then he goes off the next morning acting like nothing happened."
"That's horrible," says the boss, "but I don't see where this makes you unable to work on Fridays."
"Oh well," says Jack, "I go round to see her on Friday morning to see she's all right, and I guess I don't mind telling you, we've worked out that the best way to make her feel better is for me to spend half the day making love to her."
"What?!" exclaims the boss. "You've been having sex with your sister?"
"Hey," Jack shrugs, "I told you I was sick."

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, "Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying, "You only get 1 shot."

[ https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/vksfnZaZ0A4?feature=oembed - Pentru incarcare in pagina (embed) Click aici ]

*1.  Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.*
*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!*
*3. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.*
*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!*
*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!*
*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.*
*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!*
*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".*
10*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.*

There was a Minnesota phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two
Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out.
At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Oh Yah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"

Din serialul Extras:

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

 Adele.jpg   34.49K   81 downloads

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.
"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

Me: 'When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me'.

Receptionist: 'Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way'.

[ https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ec/9b/8b/ec9b8bc7fe5569ad2c581d85badbe6fc--funny-marriage-quotes-funny-women-quotes.jpg - Pentru incarcare in pagina (embed) Click aici ]

An ugly girl grabbed my butt today.
I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

My Dearest Muslims,

I just noticed that somehow an error occurred in the Quran.
From today on, please replace ,,72 virgins" with ,,a 72 years old virgin".

Thank You,
Mohammed

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their clothes.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their clothes, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks: "What's less?"
The guy says: "I don't know, but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it!"