Jokes & other funny texts

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Ah, the modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street.


A grandma and a grandpa are going out for their daily health walk and grandma can’t decide.
“I don’t know, Joe, should I wear my bra do you think?”
“Yeah, Rosie, you better, it’s quite muddy out.”

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."


A dog walks into a bar.
The dog says, "Gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!"
The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

Edited by Mizu, 03 August 2019 - 16:07.

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