Jokes & other funny texts

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LOL, de mult n-am mai ras asa!

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An Irishman goes to the doctor and he says  "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."
So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."
After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom.
"Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man.
"No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?"
So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on.
"So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?"
"I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."


A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise. The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I can get a better shot" he says but he miscalculated and they all fall over the edge. He runs to the ledge and looks down and sees his family smashing into rocks over and over as they tumble down the canyon, screaming in agony all the way down. He finally sees them stop dead at the bottom. He sits by the edge sobbing uncontrollably as he begins to realize that not only is his entire family dead and mangled at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but that his dad had the keys to the car in his pocket and he is stranded with no one in sight. He cries and cries for hours until he hears footsteps. A lone hiker approaches, sees him crying and asks what's wrong. "Oh thank god you found me mister" the boy says "I was taking a picture of my family and I got them to back up too far and they all fell off the edge. They're dead and it's all my fault! My dad had the keys to the car, I have no phone and I don't know what to do" he cries. The hiker takes a quick look around. "Wow kid, I don't know what to tell you," he says as he unzips his pants "but this is not your lucky day."

Sorry for off-topic, but the second joke is actually a tragedy, with a bitter happy-end, because police eventually caught the hiker.
That's the pervert:

 IMG_20190402_212434_684.JPG   116.51K   38 downloads

https://www.readinge...e-inspirational

,,Monsignor Thomas J. Orsulak, pastor of St. Peter the Apostle Catholic Church in Reading, says hiking the Grand Canyon with other priests was personally and spiritually stimulating.".

On topic:

And the Lord said unto John 'Come forth, and receive eternal life'
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Husband: - Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?
Wife: - Michael, I'm over here!

Dentist: This will hurt a little.�
Patient: OK.�
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.�

 sex.jpg   28.75K   20 downloads

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice.
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.
Because elephants never forget.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?  And more importantly, where is my hamster?

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.   At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

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I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.
I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?
I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
-
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

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A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
"I am not Master Ayumu."