Jokes & other funny texts

My wife started her own digital currency. It's called Bitchcoin.

buna rau asta..

Pai e logic. Doar nevestele au vorba aia cu "ti-o platesc eu..."

An Update from Mark Zuckerberg
We hear you, and not just because we’re listening through the microphone in your phone

Here at Facebook we know we have a lot of work to do rebuilding your trust. As I recently told Senators, I am ultimately responsible for what happens on Facebook — and while I don’t mean that in a legally-binding way, I do take this responsibility seriously.

That’s why, as part of our new transparent approach to user engagement (or what some of you insist on calling “persistent troubling questions”), I’d like to give you a sneak peek of some of the changes we’re implementing to make Facebook an even better place to privately share every aspect of your life:

1. Apps looking to track your location will be required to send you a complementary ankle monitor.

2. We’re doubling down on user privacy by introducing a revolutionary new shade of blue.

3. Our security team will do a thorough audit of all the naked photos of you we’ve secretly been taking with the camera on your laptop.

4. Pokes are back! Didn’t you used to love poking people?

5. Any developers found to have abused Facebook’s API or violated the Facebook terms of service will immediately be offered a job.

6. We’re eliminating pokes, which we just reintroduced 23 seconds ago. Since then we’ve learned that poking people can be seen as encouraging unwanted physical contact, which runs counter to 7.
Facebook’s stated mission of eliminating any and all physical contact.

7. Going forward advertisers will only be permitted to watch you sleep for 12 minutes a night.

8. Contact information uploaded from your phone’s address book will only be used for its originally intended catfishing purposes.

9. Due to privacy upgrades, dating apps like Tinder and Bumble will only show users one Alan Dubinsky of Fort Wayne, Indiana. (Don’t be offended if he doesn’t write back right away — his inbox is pretty full!)

10. You want to play hard ball? FINE. Every time you click a link that leaves Facebook we will kill a puppy. A motherfucking puppy. Every. Fucking. Time. So what’s it gonna be? Ball’s in your court, America.

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Pondering" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that's very thoughtful."

Another man asks the widow if he too, can have a word. She says: "Okay." The man clears his throat and says: "Benevolent." The widow replies: "Thanks, that's very kind."

Another man asks the widow if he too, can have a word. She says: "Okay." The man clears his throat and says: "lumbar pillow." The widow replies: "Thanks, that's comforting."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "innumerable" The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know how much that means."

Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a word too?” She says: “Please do.” The mad clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "tesmotronicity". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

Another man asks the widow if he too, can have a word. She says: "Okay." The man clears his throat and says: "General Custer." The widow replies: "Yes, he fought right to the very end."

Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

Another man asks the widow if he as well could say a word. She says "OK." The man clears his throat, takes a deep breath, and says "lemon marange pie." The widow responds: "Thanks, that's very sweet."

Another man asks the widow if he too, can have a few words. She says: "Okay." The man clears his throat and says: "Sorry about your husband." The widow replies: "It's okay, I forgive you."

Another man comes up but doesn't say anything. Apparently it is worth a thousand words.

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Amen". The widow replies: "Thanks, that's a real blessing."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fuck". The widow replies: "Thanks, that's what he loved to do."

Another man comes up and asks to speak. The widow agrees. The man proceeds to read a dictionary cover to cover. The widow says: “you really said it all.”

Another man comes up and asks if his penis could say a few words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man undoes his pants and his penis says "1, 2, 3, 4". The widow replies, "Thank you. Every little thing counts."

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.


- My wife suffers from a drinking problem.
- Oh is she an alcoholic ?
- No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.


- Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…
- What do you mean, passionate ? I’m looking for food remains !


A wife complains to her husband:
- Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same ?
The husband:
- Are you mad ? I barely know that woman !

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Cum sectiune de spaniola nu avem.
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