Jokes & other funny texts

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming, as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant"?

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups"?

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed: "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The blond opened his lunch and said: "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said: "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Edited by hardvare, 24 January 2006 - 22:16.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ."
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry...

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah..................Thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!


And the winner is...

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Edited by gika_killeru', 24 January 2006 - 22:28.

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane.
Man: "I think everyone's asleep, lets go."
Woman: "This one's empty... no-ones looking... you go in first."
Man: "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down."
Woman: "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
(Sniff sniff)
Man: "Ah perfume - you think of everything."
Woman: "This is great..." (Long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detectors."

About a month ago, the President of of the United States of American was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the brunette he said, "I am the President of of the United States of American. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, "$200.

To the blonde, he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the red head. Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

-----------

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.

un mic offtopic: chiar stã cineva sã citeascã toate astea? :huh:

punisher, on Feb 2 2006, 11:29, said:

yeap....


what was the first thing adam told to eve..............  
Distance please...i don't know how big this thing gets

[Editor's Note: This isn't really a computer joke in that it does not
actually mention computers themselves, but it's along the lines of "If
people did X like they buy computers...", so it seemed to belong here.]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"

"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"

"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"

"Yes, I do"

"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"

"MALE-CLONE..."

"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."

"My what?"

"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look
down"

"I see shoes"

"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach.
You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."

"The round thing?"

"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there.
The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"

"Oh, okay.. got it. [pause] Okay, it's open.."

"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"

"No."

"Do you see your willy?"

"No."

"Okay... what do you see?"

"I see white... just white and some lines.."

"Do you have underwear installed?"

"No."

"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that
you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your
underwear to take a leak...."

"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed
underwear..."

"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until
you see your willy.."

"It's stuck... it won't go down..."

"The white part? Or your willy?"

"My willy..."

"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want
to get to the point where we can see it...."

"Oh... okay, we're there...."

"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of
porcelain?"

"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."

"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't
take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of
tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it.
Some people have showers in their bathrooms..."

"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."

"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."

"I can't walk..."

"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go
upstairs..then uninstall your underwear again..."

"That was the white part, right?"

"Yes, sir... that's correct..."

[pause]

"Okay, I'm upstairs..."

"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"

"Well, there's two..."

"How tall are you sir?"

"5'4" .."

"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."

"Okay....I'm there"

"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl..now
just go.... "

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when it pops up... just hit "okay"....."


-----------

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again
the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

------

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

A husband and wife in Michigan were arguing over money. (Odd!)

He demanded to know what she did with the grocery money. She answered, "Stand sideways in front of the mirror!"

----------

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire..
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

---------

The scenario is: husband and wife in the kitchen at breakfast

Husband says: How do you like your eggs?

Wife says: Unfertilised

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

ComputerTerms586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your pop on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.


--------------

Father: Would you still love my daughter even if she were poor?
Suitor: Of course.
Father: You're no good. We don't want fools in our family.

-------------

Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.

---------

Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car's speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.
The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.
No ticket.

---------

The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.

--------

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.

"Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance"?

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Mom Taught Us

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If youre going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, thats why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and Ill give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times - dont exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!"





T-Day

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter T, to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Dont be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didnt realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and Im sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter T to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember its still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."




Poor Pirate

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."



A man went over to his girls place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

Edited by johnny bravo, 24 February 2006 - 17:10.

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying on the bed, he says "this is the pig i have to make love to when you will not perform". His wife says "i think you will find thats a sheep". Her husband says "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep!"

This lady went to this bar for a drink and noticed a sign next to the waiter station that read "Pussy Eating Frog only $50.00-satisfaction guaranteed". She asked the bartender and he said "Alot of ladies have been buying them and all you have to do is after you get it home you take a shower, put on your best perfume and just set the frog between your legs and the frog does the rest. If something goes wrong just give me a call, satisfaction is guaranteed, here's my phone number.
So she gave him $50 bucks and left with the frog. Once she got home she took a shower, put on her best perfume and layed down on the bed but when she put the frog between her legs he just sat there. She thought maybe the perfume she used was wrong for the frog and took another shower and used a different perfume and still nothing happened.
Frustrated, she decided to call the bartender and he told her that he would be right over to check it out. While he was on his way she took another shower and tried still another perfume so that maybe this would work. When the bartender arrived, they immediately went to her bedroom and placed the frog betwen her legs and still nothing.
The bartender picked up the frog and said forcefully "OK frog, I'm only gonna show you this one more time".

Two rednecks were driving down the back roads of south Georgia in a pickup truck. The driver tells his buddy that a new gas station had opened, and they were offering a chance to win some free sex if you bought more than $20 worth of gas..... so he was going to stop. They pulled in and the driver got $20 worth. When he paid, the owner told him he could get some free sex if he could guess the winning number between 1 and 10. So the driver guessed 6, and the owner told him that he almost got it..... the winning number was 7. The two rednecks left and after a few minutes of silence, the passenger said to the driver "I've been thankin" 'bout that there deal.... and thar ain't no way to win. Hit don't matter what number you guess, the man's gonna say you wrong. It's just a shit deal to get folks to stop. " The driver replied "Oh no, hit ain't fixed, I know you can win." His buddy asked "And just how the hell you know you can win?" The driver said "My wife stoped there twice last week, and she won both times."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis." The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question: "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS--YOU WIN!!"

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

nu stiu sigur daca a mai fost dar oricum ii tare :)

Anger Management...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole
calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but
the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which
included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gaylover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

------------

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

I love my job, I love my pay,
I love it more and more each day,
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation,
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well,
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers,

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am,
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam,
I love this work; I love these chores,
I love the meetings with deadly bores,

I love my job- I'll say it again,
I even love these friendly men,
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

a horse goes in to a bar..and the barman asks '' hey!!why the long face?'':))

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

  Ain't this all the truth?
    What makes 100%?

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
  100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over
    100%.

    How about achieving 103%?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

    questions:

    If:

    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    is represented as:

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

    then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and,

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,
    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

    21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

    A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


    So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:



    While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will  get
    you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!