Jokes & other funny texts

What does one fag say to another fag going on vacation?
Can I help you pack your shit?

A blonde with two red ears went to the doctor.

The doctor asked what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang—but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief, "but, what happened to your other ear?"

"The idiot called back."

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Its the final round of the $64,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan. The question is, finish the following song title and spell the answer. "Old Macdonald had a ____".

The Englishman goes 1st and says "estate" "e-s-t-a-t-e". The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself.

The Texan goes next and answers " Ranch", "r-a-n-c-h". The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams.

The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says "for $64,000 what is the answer". The Arkansan answers "farm" , "e-i-e-i-o"

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Six nuns were in their third-floor sleeping quarters in the convent when a fire broke out one night.
The nuns quickly took off their habits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out of the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and asked her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits might have ripped or broke since they are so old?"
The nun smiled and replied, "Oh, no, dear, we weren't worried at all. Don't you know old habits are hard to break?"

-----

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for 20 minutes or so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit- time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey, we've got 20 minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few!" This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up.
WELL.... 15 minutes and few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time." But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time -- I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!" So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.
Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn, and livid expression. "Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?" "You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she trim the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and the blonde was stuck again.

The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again she couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

-------

Guy comes home from work to find his live-in girlfriend there with her bags packed.
"What's wrong, my little pookie-pie?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you!" she said in a disgusted voice.
"And may I ask why?"
"Because someone told me that you're a pedophile!"
To which he calmly replied,
"Well, that's an awfully big word for a twelve year old, now isn't it?"

---------

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock on the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo TWO TEST TICKLES."

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PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

--------

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls."Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires."Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three."Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson.

"MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

-----(reversu)

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared
and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three wil l be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason.

-------

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for Toes G o In First.
How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant .... blow in her ear.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common .... they're both empty from the neck up.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear .... thanks for the refill.
What's the mating call of a brunette .... Is that darn blonde gone yet?
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink .... that's where you wash vegetables.
How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her ear.
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped zones.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you .... pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall .... to see what was on the other side.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... 6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb .... two .... one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.
The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went .... it finally dawned on her.
Brunette to the blonde .... Awww, look at the dead birdie .... the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?
How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer .... there is "white-out" all over the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the "white-out".
Why do blondes wear ear muffs? .... to avoid the draft.
What did the blonde visiting O.J. think this was .... spilled finger nail polish.
What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears .... trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? .... because it said "concentrate".
Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet .... she thought it was diet "coke".
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering .... the noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips .... from trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar .... she heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs .... they don't know the route.
Why does blondes have elevator jobs .... they like going up and down.
Why do blondes work seven days a week .... so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work .... she opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it
How did the blonde die drinking milk.......the cow sat down
Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies .... it takes to long to get the shells off the M & M's
Why can't the blonde keep a job at the M & M factory .... she keeps throwing away the W's
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts .... change
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 10 .... one to mix the dough and nine to sort out the W's
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 3 .... one to make batter and two to peel the M & Ms.
How can you tell if a blonde has baked chocolate cookies .... there are M & M hulls all over the floor
How can you tell if a blonde is going to back chocolate cookies .... she is throwing out all of the W's
What is written at the bottom of a blonde's fishing pond .... bring your own fish
Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool .... no smoking
what does a blond do when someone says its chili outside .... she grabs a bowl
what do you call a blonde with one brain cell .... gifted
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells .... pregnant
What is a blond with brunette died hair .... artificial intelligence
Why did the blond stare at the orange juice .... it said concentrate
Why Can't Blondes get "mad Cow Disease .... you can't get it twice
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes .... knock on the door
What stops then goes, stops then goes .... A blonde at a blinking red light
What do you call two blondes in the freezer .... frosted flakes
Pepsi came out with a new can just for blondes .... It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears .... they're refuelling
Why do blondes comb their bangs strait up .... They don't want anything going over their head
How did the blonds brain cell die .... alone
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios .... Hey, Look!! A bunch of doughnut seeds
What do you call a smart blond .... Labrador
How many blonde jokes are there? .... none, they're all true
Why don't blonds ever become pharmacists .... It's too hard to fit the bottle in the typewriter
Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio .... she didn't want one for nights
Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet .... she was last years hide and seek winner
Why are there blonde jokes .... to make brunettes jealous
Why doesn't a blonde make Kool Aid .... couldn't get 8 glasses of water in the little packet
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in the handicapped zone
What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under water .... a blonde trying to put it out
What do you call a blonde with a brand new P.C .... a dumb terminal
How do you call a blond .... you don't .... you whistle
What does a blond say when she see's a banana skin on the side walk .... am going to fall again
I'm a blonde and still like blonde jokes .... must have been written by a true blonde
Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand .... so brunettes can understand them
How did the blond burn her ear .... the phone rang while she was ironing
What's a blond between 2 brunette .... a mental block
Why do blondes wear their hair up .... to catch anything that goes over their heads
Why does a blonde smile when there is lightening .... she thinks she is getting her picture taken
There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but they could not get in .... the sign said, "must be 18 to enter"
How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb .... only one .... she holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her
What do you call 3 blondes that walk into a building .... beats me .... you would think one of them would have seen it
How do you drown a blonde .... glue a penny to the bottom of a pool
Why are there no brunette jokes .... because blondes would have to think them up
How does a blonde make instant pudding .... places the box in the microwave, and looks for the "instant pudding setting
How do you confuse a blonde, put three shovels against the wall and tell her .... to take her "PICK"
How do you drive a blonde crazy .... put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead .... trying to make up her mind
What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes .... interpreter
What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box .... a case of empties
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink .... that is where you clean all vegetables
Why did it take the blonde 7 days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago .... she kept seeing signs that read .... stop clean bath room
A blonde went to the doctor's with burnt feet, "how did you do it" asked the doctor" .... "cooking soup .... the instructions said "open can .... stand in boiling water for 7 minutes
There were two blondes driving to disney land in Los Angeles. The were looking for signs that would lead them there. One of them finally saw a sign. It said "Disney, Left .... so they turned around and went back home
Why can't a blonde make ice cubes .... Don't know the recipe
How do you get rid of blondes .... form a circle, give each a gun and tell them they are a firing squad
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow .... to get chocolate milk

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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

---------

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting."thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The mans curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence.Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony,the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"

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WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, the French President, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a coople of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy. "Again I'll have to ring ya back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell ya that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

Standing in the park yesterday, I was wondering why Frisbees look bigger and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.

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>A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
>over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
>hour surgical procedure.
>
>A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
>
>"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
>
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
>to wash your upper body and feet."
>
>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
>
>Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
>testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
>covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
>testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
>nothing wrong with them Sir!"
>
>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says ve ry slowly,
>"Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely .
>. . Are - my - test- results - back?"

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On the fifth floor of a swanky House of Ill Repute, the guy covered the lady of the night with vaseline from head to toe. The they played "Catch me if you can!" She ran around, but every time he caught her, she wiggled free, thus covering him with vaseline too. Finally, he caught her, but they slid across the floor and right out the window, landing in a heap on the sidewalk below.

Just then, a drunk was walking by. He saw them lying there in an embrace, dead as dodos, thought for a moment, and then staggered into the house and up to the Madame.

"Cuse me, ma'am," he slurred, "but I think your sign fell down!"

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One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

------

Q: What do you call a chicken crossing the road?

A: Poultry in motion.

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A guy is living rough he finds 5$ on the street and in desperation heads to the local cat house.The bouncer greets him at the door and when He asks what he can get fo $5 laughs at Him.After some desperate pleading the Bouncer agrees to let him in and directs him to room number12.
The vagrant opens the door and is confronted by the most opulent room. Shapile carpet, Satin sheets , Mirrored ceiling and standing right in the middle of the room is a horse! The guy thinks about it for a while and after deciding $5 was $5 after all does his business and leaves.
The next day the guy after bumming a couple of bucks ,buys a Lotto ticket and wins bigtime. He goes straight back to the cathouse, best seats in the house. The bouncer directs him upstairs, where looking down from the balcony he views a live sex show. Nudging the guy next to him he says 'Hey this is a bit of all right.'Other guy reply's....'Should of been here last night, there was some dumb guy seeing to a horse!'

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It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

pentru cei care nu se uita la desene pe cartoonnetwork:

-uai iz six afreid of seven?
-bicoz seven eit nain.
:w00t:

Scott and Glenn who worked together were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Scott said, "Panty stitcher... I sew the elastic onto women's underwear."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Glenn was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replied.
Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave Glenn $600 a week.
When Scott found out he was furious.
He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic and he pulls on it and says,
'Yep, dese'll fit 'er.'"

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.
-----------------------------------------
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and an angry Pit Bull?

Lipstick.

-----

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

----------

Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back.
What have I done, he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
"How are they?", the magician asked.
"Comfortable."

--------

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out
that I'm a lesbian."

------------

An Irishman and devout Catholic went to see his local G.P to find out if there was any way he could stop the wife from getting pregnant without breaking the Church rules.As after 11 children His wife had banned him from her bed.
The Doc says ' relax mate I have the perfect solution, go down the back paddock tonight with a beer can and some double happys, light the double happys drop them in the can, hold the can to your ear and count to ten'.
Later that night Paddy trooped of to the back field to follow the doc's instructions. He lit the crackers dropped them in the can, held it to his ear and began counting to 10. When he got to five he found he needed his other hand to complete the count so popping the can between his legs...6,7!!!!Bang!!!
This contraceptive device is also successful in Australia.

---------

What's long, hard, and screws New Zealanders?
Primary School.

--------

Scott and Glenn are standing on top of a cliff.

Scott has a budgie on his shoulder, while Glenn has a parrot.

Scott jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and he continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap.

Then Glenn jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but Glenn quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend.

Scott looks up and says, "Geez, that budgie jumping isn't any fun."

To which Glenn replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either."

-----------

Little Johnny asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?" "No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asked Little Johnny.

The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

-----------

Top 10 Signs Computers Are Taking Over The World

1. Your car stalls and you need to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL to get it to start up again.

2. Your microwave comes with Windows pre-loaded.

3. The first thing you see is a C:\ prompt when you turn on your calculator.

4. Getting that cashier job at the local supermarket requires experience in C++, HTML, ORACLE and JAVA.

5. Wristwatches come equipped with hard drives.

6. Toilets flush at 600 mhz and come equipped with 32 megabytes of ram.

7. That simple, easy-to-use dial on the toaster is replaced with a LCD screen showing an icon menu.

8. Your sewing machine will not operate without a 56 kbps internet
connection.

9. The TV has a START button in the corner of the screen.

10. You activate your newborn child's web site and internet email
address before filling out the birth certificate.

A while back the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds was changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated
"Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from a camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service".

--------

Andy and Tim had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they were at death's door.

As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spotted, through the heat's haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they got closer, they could see that the tree was draped with strip after strip of bacon.There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon—all sorts.

"My goodness, Tim," cries Andy, "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" "You're right!" replies Tim, who started running on ahead right up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.

But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was wounded in a hail of bullets.

Andy quickly dropped down on the sand, and called across to his the injured friend."Tim, Tim! What happened?"

"Arrrgh... it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a Ham Bush."

------

Once there were two mice who lived in a museum.

One evening after the museum had closed, the first mouse crawled into a huge suit of armour.

Before he knew it, he was lost.

"Help!" he shouted to his friend, "Help me make it though the knight!"

---------

Q How do you catch a unique bird?
A U neek up on him.

----------

A guy goes out for a piss at his local and in the john encounters a dwarf. As they are peeing he looks over and sees the dwarf has the hugest appendage he's ever seen. He says to the dwarf " Hey man I'm not in the habit of checking out other peoples things but...thats a mighty beast you have, 'Thanks' replys the dwarf 'Santa gave it to me for Christmas. "Hey can I get one of those too?" ' don't see why not, just gotta ask in the right way.' The guy pleads to be let in on the secret the dwarf is stubborn a demands payment. "what kind of payment?' asks the guy. "Well" sneers the dwarf 'I want you to let me bend you over the sink and give you one' The guy is horrified and turns on his heel to leave, gripping the door handle his lust for a bigger schlong takes over and he turns back and agrees.
The dwarf has him over the sink and is going to town he breathes roughly in his ear and says'so what's your name?'
"DDDDDDDDave, is this going to take long?" Dave is obviously in some distress. The dwarf leans towards his ear again ' So Dave, how old are you?'He rasps obviously enjoying himself.
"33333333332 ow aaare wwwe ddddone?"
'So Dave 32' says the dwarf grunting to a finish, 'Bit old to be believing in Santa isn't it?'

-------------

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks, and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor happened by.

He saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying, and took pity on her. "You have so much to live for," he said, "my ship is off for the Mediterranean in the morning, and if you'd like, I can stow you away, and you can get off at Gibraltar."

"We won't tell the Captain," the sailor said, "because he'd get angry and throw you off the ship, and throw me in the brig."

"I'll take good care of you," promised the sailor, "I'll bring you food every day. I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl agreed. after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life a new meaning. That night the sailor threw a Jacob's ladder over the stern, so the girl could sneak aboard. Quickly he hid her under a tarp in a life boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, a carton of milk, and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a surprise inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he gets to screw me."

"He certainly is," the Captain said, "this is the Staten Island Ferry."

-----------

Scott and Glenn were driving down the road drinking beer.

The passenger, Scott, said "Hey, there's a police road block up ahead. We're gonna get busted for drinking and driving."

"Don't worry Scott", Glenn replied, "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel off the labels and stick them on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat".

"What for?", asked Scott. "Just let me do the talking, OK?"

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the ro*****, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Glenn,"We're on the patch".

----------

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

---------

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

--------

Why does the ocean roar?
You would too, if you had crabs on your bottom, and oysters in your bed!

---------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen!

The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered .. take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

------------

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy.

Him: Hi
She: Hi

Two 91-year-old men, Joe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying and Joe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Joe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years? Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Joe and says, "Joe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Joe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Joe.... Joe...."

"Who is it?" says Joe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Joe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice, "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"

"I'm in Heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Joe.

"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Joe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?

"You're pitching next Tuesday."

----------

Robert calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."

---------

Two cannibals couldn't agree on how to share the missionary, so they decided one should start eating at the head and the other should start eating at the feet. After a while, the one at he head said "How's it going?" The foot man said "I'm having a ball" and the head man said "You're eating too fast."

-----

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed his collar was on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father'
The little boy replied 'My daddy dosen't wear his collar like that'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said 'My dad has 4 boys, 5 girls and two grandchildren, and he dosen't wear his collar that way.'
The priest getting impatient, said, 'I am the father of hundreds'
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said 'Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar for a while.'

--------

There's a new American Physciatry Association study out abot how women feel about their arses...
1. 85% of women feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women feel their arse is too small
3. 5% of women say they don't care,
they knew he was an arse and married him anyway.

---------

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill anyone for money?"

"No." Artie answers.

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the Mafia or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on his mission.

He goes to Ralph's Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life. So he runs up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees it and chases after him. Artie, realizing that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPH'S!"

----------

During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her students good manners to follow while on a dinner date. "Michael," she asks one of the students, "if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute," replies Michael, "I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!" exclaimed the teacher. "What about you, John, how would you say it?"

"I'm sorry," answered John, "but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better," said the teacher, nodding, "but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" she asked.

Peter smiled and responded, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"

---------

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.


"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.


The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).


That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.


"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."


"No problem," he says. And in they go.


The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.


So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.


"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.


Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

----------

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality. "Howard, You're a veterinarian."

--------

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,

"Well That's just great ..... some Ass Hole's got my pen."

------

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

-------

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Mississippi Bridgein Baton Rouge one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed ayoung man fixin' (ready) to jump.

Upset, she stopped her car; rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump.”

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He asked, ''Who's, Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you Dumb ass Yankee.''

---------

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. "Not a phrase that
men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was
about done shopping, a man came up and said, Your fly is open." He zipped
up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that
told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun
with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks
door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on
a couple of old duffel bags".

-------

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Jenny was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She was down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to Jenny, trying to calm her down, suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walked away. Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he rushed back to the table and pushed his way through the crowd.

Jenny was lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The stunned man asked, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and, when the wheel stopped, 36 came up."

"Then she just fainted!"

---------

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

---------

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate loving he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast including eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming, fresh brewed coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He told me, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

"The breakfast was my idea."

---------

Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, get out! We don't serve your type in here."

---------

What's the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

I'll spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

---------

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

She replies, "I guess about 29."

"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"Promise", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

-----------

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall.

Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"

The second man then replies, "Nah, I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since that one wall fell on him!"

--------

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. McNick said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

---------

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
they talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him .... they kiss .... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, and the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

-----------

A young, upcoming executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found his CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need one copy."

----------

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.

The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the
stranger sitting next to her and asked,
"How many is a Brazilian?"

----------

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking, so you should do it, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replied, "No, you should do it. Besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replied, "I can't believe that. Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him the top of several pages, which read "HEBREWS".

----------

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

-------

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful. She had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food, and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way, but in heaven she would be happy, and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together, and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting, and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller skates.

One day God saw the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he had given her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

-------

In the mid-60's, a US Navy cruiser stopped in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers to attend the dance. They should arrive at spam.spamm., prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews - We don't like Jews."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady of the house heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, smiling black officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Goldberg doesn't make mistakes."

---------

One day, Jesus and satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge. Jesus and satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.

Near the end of the 10 hours, the power suddenly went out. All the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.

On Jesus' monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas satan's monitor remained blank.

Satan complained bitterly to God.

God laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"

It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work For the Dole' Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds ($$) worth of high-tech gear.

A bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other F1 team.

Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse Crew's first practice session.

Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew, a gram of coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.

--------

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their
donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the
old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when
they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the
donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.

---------

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” She said, “Listen, I’m a GOOD woman; I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I would put that money in the casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”

------

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

---------

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company made up mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian oldtimers frantically jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, they extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on tape, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Olson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damn truck!"

-------

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Every-thing happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

---------

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Jennie went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, 'He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.'

Horrified Jennie suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

'Oh no' her gran replied, 'We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.' She paused, and wiped away a tear. 'If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive.'

------

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths. He decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful. So he picked up the card and dialed the number.

"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic... But for an outside line you press 9."

-------

Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

------------

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

-----------

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cold one.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

---------

Dear Continental, American Airlines, Southwest, Delta, United, et al.:

I have the solution to prevent hijackings and get our airline industry back on its feet at the same time.

Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin' strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women and the country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. "You gotta pass my test first", he told the applicant.
"Here's your first question."

"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" ! ;
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.

So when do I start work?"

--------

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The man is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said." You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?"

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

----------

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents..."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's spamspamspamspam
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth
fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

----------

Teacher is explaining logic to a student, "A=B, B=C implies A=C. Now give me an example."

Student: "I love You. You love your daughter. So I love your daughter."

----------

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

_________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

______________________________________________________

17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.

________________________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes_

----------

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that in to this one little square?'

---------

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive mostly differs depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.

-------

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

Top 20 Cool Things About a Car That Goes Faster Than
the Speed of Light

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
19 Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18 Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most
states.

17 Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna
song.

16 Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to
carpool.

15 No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14 Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13 Holding a harmonic out the window makes the coolist
sounds, and sparks too.

12 You can stop worrying about being sucked into a
black hole driving home from work.

11 You'll be so thin while driving it you can even
wear horizontal stripes.

10 That deer in your headlights is actually behind
you.

9 Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose
a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

8 Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in
Quantum Physics.

7 Bugs never see you coming.

6 As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conversion
of energy and mass theory, you might as well run over
Schrodinger's cat too.

5 Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan
"It's there before you order or it's free!"

4 Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to
not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

3 License plate: "Me=mc2"

2 Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they
land in last week!

1. mai inventati si voi, ca ei n-au mai gasit

The Titanic is going to be drowned... Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God. Just then an Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here?
Sardarji : Two miles
Italian : Only two miles, then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here?
Sardarji : Downwards...

How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
"Sorry about, that,"replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

What do you call a good-looking brunette guy in between two blond guys?
An interpreter in need of an immediate rescue.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?v The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Or: The brunette. The blonde is such an airhead.

Why did the blonde dye her hair brunette?
She thought it would help her get a higher score on the SAT.

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over a Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

What did the blonde get on her A.C.T.?
Nail polish!

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch as much as they can that goes over their heads.

What happened to the suicide blonde?
She dyed by her own hand.

What can save a dying blond?
Hair transplants.

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
They take off their makeup.

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for
a make-up exam?

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
Thanks for the refill.

Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
Silicone chips.

How can you tell if a blond writes mysteries?
He has a checkbook.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Hide her hair brush.

Why didn't the blond want a window seat on the plane?
He didn't want it the wind to mess up his hair.

Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.

Eve: "Adam, do you love me?" >> Adam: "No." >> Eve (crying): "Then why did you make love to me?!?" >> Adam: "Helloooooo... do you see anyone else around?"

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
-"It's a illegala to put a 5 people in a Quattro."
-"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
-"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
-"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile!" the German says unbelievingly.
? "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
? "You canta puta thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people in a car and you are breaking the law."
"I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence zupervisor over!"
"Sorry. He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Sper ca nu a mai fost :D

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."