Pagini: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119, 120, 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 156, 157, 158, 159, 160, 161, 162, 163, 164, 165, 166, 167, 168, 169, 170, 171, 172, 173, 174, 175, 176, 177, 178, 179
Intr-un autobuz, care este ultra aglomerat, urca doi studenti,unul pe usa din fata, celalalt pe usa din spate. Cel din fata striga catre cel din spate: -Costele, unde are ma femeia parul cret? In spate sunt doua doamne grase si simandicoase,care se foiesc nelinistite, vadit deranjate de ce ar putea raspunde Costel. In picioare langa doamne - un politist. -Sub brat - raspunde Costel. -Si mai unde au par cret? Doamnele se foiesc din nou. -In cap. -Si mai unde, ma? Una din doamne: -Domnule politist, va rog luati atitudine, e impardonabil! Politistul raspunde plin de el: -Lasati, doamna, numai sa pronunte el cuvantul "p***a", ca-i f*t una cu bulanu' peste c***e, de-l ustura si-n c*r vreo doua zile!
Fiul catre tata a doua zi dupa noaptea nuntii: >
- Tata eu divortez! >
- Ai innebunit, asa repede, ce s-a intamplat? >
- Nu conteaza eu divortez! >
- Mai fiule, mie poti sa-mi spui sunt tatal tau, care e problema? >
- Tata, sotia mea este virgina! >
Dupa un timp de gandire spune tatal: >
- Apoi fiule ai dreptate! Ce nu le-a trebuit la altii nu ne trebuie nici noua!
- Tata eu divortez! >
- Ai innebunit, asa repede, ce s-a intamplat? >
- Nu conteaza eu divortez! >
- Mai fiule, mie poti sa-mi spui sunt tatal tau, care e problema? >
- Tata, sotia mea este virgina! >
Dupa un timp de gandire spune tatal: >
- Apoi fiule ai dreptate! Ce nu le-a trebuit la altii nu ne trebuie nici noua!
Trei agenti de asigurari de viata beau bere si isi lauda fiecare
societatea unde lucra.
-Ai nostri sunt extraordinar de operativi, zice unul dintre ei. Un
client de-al nostru a murit seara intr-un accident de munca. S-a lucrat
dosarul noaptea si dimineata vaduva a primit cecul cu asigurarea.
-Ai nostri sunt si mai rapizi, spune altul. Un client a avut un accident
de masina. A stat o ora in coma si a murit. Oamenii nostri au lucrat
dosarul cat a stat in coma si i-au inmanat vaduvei cecul imediat ce
medicii au consemnat decesul.
-Ce imi spuneti voi nu inseamna nimic pe langa noi, zice al treilea. Noi
avem sediul la etajul 3 intr-o caldire cu 30 de etaje. Un client de-al
nostru a cazut de la etajul 27 si i-am dat cecul cu asigurarea chiar lui
cand a trecut prin fata ferestrei noastre !
societatea unde lucra.
-Ai nostri sunt extraordinar de operativi, zice unul dintre ei. Un
client de-al nostru a murit seara intr-un accident de munca. S-a lucrat
dosarul noaptea si dimineata vaduva a primit cecul cu asigurarea.
-Ai nostri sunt si mai rapizi, spune altul. Un client a avut un accident
de masina. A stat o ora in coma si a murit. Oamenii nostri au lucrat
dosarul cat a stat in coma si i-au inmanat vaduvei cecul imediat ce
medicii au consemnat decesul.
-Ce imi spuneti voi nu inseamna nimic pe langa noi, zice al treilea. Noi
avem sediul la etajul 3 intr-o caldire cu 30 de etaje. Un client de-al
nostru a cazut de la etajul 27 si i-am dat cecul cu asigurarea chiar lui
cand a trecut prin fata ferestrei noastre !
Stii de ce in varful bradului de Craciun tot timpul o sa vezi un
ingeras micut ?
Raspuns:
Era Mos Craciun foarte suparat inainte de sarbatori ca nu avea bani
destui pentru cadouri. La un moment dat bate cineva la usa:
- Cine e ? (striga nervos Mos Craciun)
- Sunt eu, ingerasul. Am venit sa-ti spun ca am comandat bradul de
Craciun.
- Bine bine .... lasa-ma odata.
Peste 10 minute ciocane cineva la usa. Mos Craciun si mai nervos:
- Cine e acolo ? Ce mai vreti ? Nu vedeti ca am treaba si sunt nervos?
- Sunt tot eu, ingerasul. A venit bradul de Craciun. Ce sa fac cu el ?
- Nu stiu ... baga-ti-l in fund ...
ingeras micut ?
Raspuns:
Era Mos Craciun foarte suparat inainte de sarbatori ca nu avea bani
destui pentru cadouri. La un moment dat bate cineva la usa:
- Cine e ? (striga nervos Mos Craciun)
- Sunt eu, ingerasul. Am venit sa-ti spun ca am comandat bradul de
Craciun.
- Bine bine .... lasa-ma odata.
Peste 10 minute ciocane cineva la usa. Mos Craciun si mai nervos:
- Cine e acolo ? Ce mai vreti ? Nu vedeti ca am treaba si sunt nervos?
- Sunt tot eu, ingerasul. A venit bradul de Craciun. Ce sa fac cu el ?
- Nu stiu ... baga-ti-l in fund ...
-Domnule doctor, am venit sa ma ajutati si pe mine. Am incercat tot felul de medicamente dar tot n-am ramas gravida!
-Stati, s-o luam metodic! Poate e o chestiune de ereditate. Mama dumneavoastra a avut copii?
Doua oua se prajeau intr-o tigaie, la un moment dat unul se intoarce
catre celalalt:
- Auzi? Tie nu ti se pare ca e cam cald aici?
La care celalalt:
- AJUTOOOOOOR!!!!! O OMLETA CARE VORBESTE!!!!!!!
- De ce poarta femeile rochie alba la nunta?????...
- Pentru a se asorta cu masina de spalat haine si cu cea de spalat vase.
Ce a spus semaforul soferului???????
Nu te uita ca ma schimb!!!!!!!!!
de ce iese femeia din bucatarie si te cicaleste?
-ai lasat lantul prea lung
- Cum se numeste omul, care nu are mana stanga, piciorul stang, ochiul stang si urechea stanga?
- All right !
-Stati, s-o luam metodic! Poate e o chestiune de ereditate. Mama dumneavoastra a avut copii?
Doua oua se prajeau intr-o tigaie, la un moment dat unul se intoarce
catre celalalt:
- Auzi? Tie nu ti se pare ca e cam cald aici?
La care celalalt:
- AJUTOOOOOOR!!!!! O OMLETA CARE VORBESTE!!!!!!!
- De ce poarta femeile rochie alba la nunta?????...
- Pentru a se asorta cu masina de spalat haine si cu cea de spalat vase.
Ce a spus semaforul soferului???????
Nu te uita ca ma schimb!!!!!!!!!
de ce iese femeia din bucatarie si te cicaleste?
-ai lasat lantul prea lung
- Cum se numeste omul, care nu are mana stanga, piciorul stang, ochiul stang si urechea stanga?
- All right !
Barbatul isi prinde sotia cu amantul:
- Ce face el in patul nostru?
- Minuni..
- Ce face el in patul nostru?
- Minuni..
add, incearca sa le pui un pic mai incet, ca n-am timp sa le citesc pe toate 
Trei studenti înaintea unui examen, unul foarte bine pregatit, unul cu un nivel mediu de cunostinte si unul ultra slab, se înteleg asupra ordinii de intrare. Cel mediu, intra primul. La iesirea din examen, ceilalti îl întreaba:
- Cum a fost?
- Ca o discutie normala de la profesor la student! Intra cel supertare. La iesire, aceeasi întrebare, raspunsul:
- Ca o discutie de la profesor la profesor! Când în sfârsit intra si cel 'tamâie', sta înauntru o ora. Când iese, ceilalti îl întreaba:
- Cum a fost daca ai stat atâta?
- Ca o discutie de la preot la preot!
- Cum asa?
- Pai el întreba...eu îmi faceam cruce. Eu raspundeam, el îsi facea cruce!
- Cum a fost?
- Ca o discutie normala de la profesor la student! Intra cel supertare. La iesire, aceeasi întrebare, raspunsul:
- Ca o discutie de la profesor la profesor! Când în sfârsit intra si cel 'tamâie', sta înauntru o ora. Când iese, ceilalti îl întreaba:
- Cum a fost daca ai stat atâta?
- Ca o discutie de la preot la preot!
- Cum asa?
- Pai el întreba...eu îmi faceam cruce. Eu raspundeam, el îsi facea cruce!
QUOTE(add @ Sep 27 2005, 10:52)
Trei studenti înaintea unui examen, unul foarte bine pregatit, unul cu un nivel mediu de cunostinte si unul ultra slab, se înteleg asupra ordinii de intrare. Cel mediu, intra primul. La iesirea din examen, ceilalti îl întreaba:
- Cum a fost?
- Ca o discutie normala de la profesor la student! Intra cel supertare. La iesire, aceeasi întrebare, raspunsul:
- Ca o discutie de la profesor la profesor! Când în sfârsit intra si cel 'tamâie', sta înauntru o ora. Când iese, ceilalti îl întreaba:
- Cum a fost daca ai stat atâta?
- Ca o discutie de la preot la preot!
- Cum asa?
- Pai el întreba...eu îmi faceam cruce. Eu raspundeam, el îsi facea cruce!
- Cum a fost?
- Ca o discutie normala de la profesor la student! Intra cel supertare. La iesire, aceeasi întrebare, raspunsul:
- Ca o discutie de la profesor la profesor! Când în sfârsit intra si cel 'tamâie', sta înauntru o ora. Când iese, ceilalti îl întreaba:
- Cum a fost daca ai stat atâta?
- Ca o discutie de la preot la preot!
- Cum asa?
- Pai el întreba...eu îmi faceam cruce. Eu raspundeam, el îsi facea cruce!
sounds like my brother
(ala tamaie)
QUOTE(martzafoi_ @ Sep 27 2005, 11:51)
add, incearca sa le pui un pic mai incet, ca n-am timp sa le citesc pe toate
take your time
Studenta sustine examenul la Economie. Subiectul: teoria economica a lui Adam Smith. Profesorul, in varsta, observa ca studenta nu are idee despre teoria economica si dorind, totusi, s-o promoveze o intreba:
- Dar care este prenumele lui Smith?
Fata se uita in sala, poate un coleg ii va sopti, dar in zadar.
- Hai amintiti-va, este atat de simplu!
Fara rezultat. Profului i se face mila de studenta si parinteste o intreaba:
- Atunci, spune-mi: cum il chema pe primul barbat?
Fata rosind si evident rusinata raspunde:
- Petrica ...
- Dar care este prenumele lui Smith?
Fata se uita in sala, poate un coleg ii va sopti, dar in zadar.
- Hai amintiti-va, este atat de simplu!
Fara rezultat. Profului i se face mila de studenta si parinteste o intreaba:
- Atunci, spune-mi: cum il chema pe primul barbat?
Fata rosind si evident rusinata raspunde:
- Petrica ...
Goriloiu' se plimba prin padure...la baza unui copac vede un fund, apetisant, incitant...cand se-apropie vede continuarea fundului : Leul.
Se framanta, se chinuie, in final ia decizia: "i-o trag repede si fug"
Sare goriloiu direct pe el, i-o trage si fuge.
Se trezeste leul, rage de se cutremura padurea si goana dupa goriloi.
Obosit, goriloiu se ascunde dupa un copac, isi trage o sapca pe ochi si deschide un ziar.
Apare leul:
Leul : "Ai vazut un goriloi????"
Goriloiul : "Ala care ti-a tras-o pe la spate?"
Leul : "Aoooleuuu , scrie deja in ziar??????????????"
Se framanta, se chinuie, in final ia decizia: "i-o trag repede si fug"
Sare goriloiu direct pe el, i-o trage si fuge.
Se trezeste leul, rage de se cutremura padurea si goana dupa goriloi.
Obosit, goriloiu se ascunde dupa un copac, isi trage o sapca pe ochi si deschide un ziar.
Apare leul:
Leul : "Ai vazut un goriloi????"
Goriloiul : "Ala care ti-a tras-o pe la spate?"
Leul : "Aoooleuuu , scrie deja in ziar??????????????"
hahha, super tare 
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him.
The girl said "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after.
The girl said "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after.
Anunt la o agentie de turism din Germania:Mergeti si vizitati Romania!Masina dumneavoastra este deja acolo...
Oamenii construiesc cel mai tare observator astronomic din lume.
Bucurosi, cei mai tari astronomi se apuca de studiat mai temeinic spatiul cosmic.
Într-o buna zi observa niste litere imense pe Pluto, dar nu reusesc sa le descifreze. Se apuca ei si aduna toata cerneala din America, si încep sa scrie în desert, chestie care a durat 8 luni, cu litere imense:
- Întelegeti limba asta?
Dupa alte trei luni, apare raspunsul:
- Da, o întelegem.
Bucurie imensa pe Terra, se apuca oamenii si strâng cerneala de pe doua continente, declanseaza si o criza economica din cauza amplorii chestiei, dar dupa mai multe luni reusesc sa scrie:
- Ce doriti de la noi?
Raspunsul apare dupa alte 5 luni:
- Nimic. Nu ne bagati în seama, vorbim cu Saturn.
Bucurosi, cei mai tari astronomi se apuca de studiat mai temeinic spatiul cosmic.
Într-o buna zi observa niste litere imense pe Pluto, dar nu reusesc sa le descifreze. Se apuca ei si aduna toata cerneala din America, si încep sa scrie în desert, chestie care a durat 8 luni, cu litere imense:
- Întelegeti limba asta?
Dupa alte trei luni, apare raspunsul:
- Da, o întelegem.
Bucurie imensa pe Terra, se apuca oamenii si strâng cerneala de pe doua continente, declanseaza si o criza economica din cauza amplorii chestiei, dar dupa mai multe luni reusesc sa scrie:
- Ce doriti de la noi?
Raspunsul apare dupa alte 5 luni:
- Nimic. Nu ne bagati în seama, vorbim cu Saturn.
Reprezentantii mai multor natiuni se intalnesc intr-un restaurant.
Toti au cerut cate un pahar de vin, dar cand au adus vinul, in fiecare pahar era o musca.
Suedezul a cerut alt vin in acelasi pahar.
Englezul-vin nou in pahar nou.
Finlandezul a scos musca si a baut vinul.
Rusul a baut vinul cu tot cu musca.
Chinezul a mancat musca, dar nu a baut vinul.
Evreul a prins musca si a vandut-o chinezului.
Tiganul a baut trei sferturi de pahar si a cerut sa-i fie schimbat.
Norvegianul a prins musca si s-a dus la pescuit.
Irlandezul a maruntit musca si i-a trimis paharul englezului.
Americanul a inceput proces impotriva restaurantutlui si a cerut 65 mil dolari daune morale.
Scotianul a prins musca de gat si a zis:"Chiar acum sa scuipi tot ce ai baut!"
###################################################
common people! ma lasati singurel aici.. io unde mai vad bancuri noi?
Toti au cerut cate un pahar de vin, dar cand au adus vinul, in fiecare pahar era o musca.
Suedezul a cerut alt vin in acelasi pahar.
Englezul-vin nou in pahar nou.
Finlandezul a scos musca si a baut vinul.
Rusul a baut vinul cu tot cu musca.
Chinezul a mancat musca, dar nu a baut vinul.
Evreul a prins musca si a vandut-o chinezului.
Tiganul a baut trei sferturi de pahar si a cerut sa-i fie schimbat.
Norvegianul a prins musca si s-a dus la pescuit.
Irlandezul a maruntit musca si i-a trimis paharul englezului.
Americanul a inceput proces impotriva restaurantutlui si a cerut 65 mil dolari daune morale.
Scotianul a prins musca de gat si a zis:"Chiar acum sa scuipi tot ce ai baut!"
###################################################
common people! ma lasati singurel aici.. io unde mai vad bancuri noi?
La un chef danseaza "sinus de x" cu "cosinus de x". "Sinus de x" observa ca "e la x" e singur intr-un colt. Se apropie de el prietenos si ii spune:
- Hai si tu la dans, INTEGREAZA-TE!!!!
Celalalt raspunde:
- Nu, pentru ce?! Mi-e egal!!
- Hai si tu la dans, INTEGREAZA-TE!!!!
Celalalt raspunde:
- Nu, pentru ce?! Mi-e egal!!
Glume de matematician ! 
ii mai fain ala pe franceza da nu mi-l mai aduc aminte exact. daca cineva il stie, please post it 
Ce sa spui daca esti prins in timp ce dormi pe birou: 9) "Cei de la banca de sange mi-au spus ca s-ar putea sa mi se intample acest lucru." 8) "Sunt cele 15 minute de somn pentru reincarcarea bateriilor mentionate in acel curs de gestionare a timpului pe care mi l-ati trimis." 7) "Nu dormeam! Meditam la declaratia de intentie si construiam o noua paradigma." 6) "Testam rezistenta tastaturii." 5) "Faceam un exercitiu de Yoga pentru a elimina stresul legat de munca. Discriminati cumva oamenii care practica Yoga?" 4) "De ce m-ati intrerupt? Tocmai gasisem solutia la cea mai mare problema a noastra." 3) "Filtrul de cafea s-a stricat..."2) "Cineva cred ca a pus cafeaua fara cofeina in alt borcan..." 1) ".....in numele Tatalui, al Fiului si al Sfantului Duh, Amin."
QUOTE(maxy @ Sep 28 2005, 19:56)
Glume de matematician !
De ce e femeia convergenta?
Pt ca e monotona si marginita!
am gasit niste bancuri super, si m-am gandit sa le pun cum le-am gasit, in engleza ca sa nu le stric farmecul....
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says, Sorry, do you know me?
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
Holy crap, he says, are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
ass?
No, she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher.
----------------------------------------------------
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes
across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure
that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He
takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic
(being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my
parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs,
dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still
they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and
they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says
a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all
right! I'll do the damn dishes."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The next morning the dad finds the kid, with suitcase in hand, at the front door. "Where are you going son?" he says. The son tearfully replies: "I'm leaving cos I walked past your room last nite and heard you say you were pulling out and mum said she was coming too and I'm not staying here on me own with a hundred grand mortgage and no bike."
-----------------------------
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
------------------------------------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
----------------------------------------------------------
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
--------------------------------------------------------------
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
---------------------------------------------------
What's the three worst thing about being an egg?
1) It takes three minutes to get hard
2) You only get laid once
3) The only bird to sit on your face is your mum.
-----------------------------------------
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says, Sorry, do you know me?
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
Holy crap, he says, are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
ass?
No, she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher.
----------------------------------------------------
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes
across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure
that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He
takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic
(being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my
parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs,
dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still
they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and
they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says
a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all
right! I'll do the damn dishes."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The next morning the dad finds the kid, with suitcase in hand, at the front door. "Where are you going son?" he says. The son tearfully replies: "I'm leaving cos I walked past your room last nite and heard you say you were pulling out and mum said she was coming too and I'm not staying here on me own with a hundred grand mortgage and no bike."
-----------------------------
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
------------------------------------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
----------------------------------------------------------
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
--------------------------------------------------------------
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
---------------------------------------------------
What's the three worst thing about being an egg?
1) It takes three minutes to get hard
2) You only get laid once
3) The only bird to sit on your face is your mum.
-----------------------------------------
QUOTE(burvi2001 @ Sep 23 2005, 19:07)
Credeti ca daca faceti asa, sinteti amuzanti ?
Rusine voua.
Ia sa vina inana sa vedeti ce moderator bun e ea.
Cel putin asa a fost 3 zile...
Rusine voua.
Ia sa vina inana sa vedeti ce moderator bun e ea.
Cel putin asa a fost 3 zile...
taci dreq (am scos ignore-ul pentru ca am crezut ca ai zis si tu un banc, dar cand ma uit ce vad... jesus christ)
pentru asta mai bag si eu bancuri de astea ...
stiti de ce sunt apreciate liniile aeriene americane ? te lasa direct la birou.
Copilul lui Bin Laden:"tati tati, invatatoarea mi-a dat un 3 pentru ca am zis ca cladirea BlaBlaBla e cea mai inalta din lume!" Bin Laden : "Se rezolva..."
La tribunal un El si o Ea se cearta pentru custodia fiicei lor.
-Eu am adus-o pe lume cu durere, mie mi se cuvine custodia.
Judecatorul catre sot: -Argumentul dumneavoastra care este?
Omul reflecteaza un moment, apoi zice calm: -Domnule judecator, daca dumneavoastra bagati o moneda intr-un automat de racoritoare si iese o sticla de Pepsi, a cui e sticla, a masinii sau a dumneavoastra?
-Eu am adus-o pe lume cu durere, mie mi se cuvine custodia.
Judecatorul catre sot: -Argumentul dumneavoastra care este?
Omul reflecteaza un moment, apoi zice calm: -Domnule judecator, daca dumneavoastra bagati o moneda intr-un automat de racoritoare si iese o sticla de Pepsi, a cui e sticla, a masinii sau a dumneavoastra?
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